Telling Events By Hand

Too Long

2010-05-23T04:07:00.002-05:00

Huzah! I finally remembered my password for blogger. Life has taken quite the turn of events in the last year. Needless to say, after being AWOL for such a long time, it will take some doing to get back into the habit of blogging.

Holidays and New Years

2009-01-18T22:12:00.004-06:00

It has been a wild and wacky holiday time. My mother in law and sister in law were in town for nearly 7 weeks between November and January. It was great having them visit and I miss being closer to them.

Christmas was great. S-i-L was here and we just relaxed the day away.

New Years Eve was pretty good - I had a lazy birthday just relaxing with Seth and Rob.

New Years Day SUCKED. My daddy called very early in the morning to tell me that my mother had passed away the evening before in her sleep. She'd been very ill for so very long, but she was known for amazing come-backs and hanging in there. Some say she wanted to start the New Year with God. I don't think that was actually her thought process. She was a semi-religious woman.. but not so much that she concsciously went "I want to spend new years with god"... I could be wrong though.

Her death hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. She and I were close-ish but not best of pals/ tell each other everything, but in this last year, we made a better effort to speak at least once a week.

Her funeral was an experience in and of itself. I got to see my older brother, s-i-l, and two of my three nieces. Everyone had changed so much. My brother and s-i-l and I have placed the past in the past and are trying to move on into the future. Sucks that it took mother dying to get it done, but if that's what it takes, it's what it takes. My hubby finally got to meet many of my extended family and while I know he was a bit overwhelmed at times, he took it in stride. Seth did great too. He took right to my 2nd neice and was a spot of brightness for my Daddy.

"Ding Dong!"

I came away from Texas with a heavy but lifted heart and a lil bitty maybe a pound Black Chihuahua puppy that was mothers. She's super affectionate and thinks any and all laps are HERS. She's part Chinese Crested so she has bald patches here and there and long-haired patches in other spots. She's so ugly she's cute. Mother was calling her "Tinker Bell" - we quickly renamed her "DeLaney Catherine Taylor" or Lane for short. We just liked the name DeLaney and Catherine is... was my mother's first name. That and the Taylors tend to have a tradition about naming, the names go in alphabetical sequence. We have a Margrett Gweneth (Maggie) so we needed either an L or N name. I was drawing blanks on the N's and Lane holds a 2nd meaning for me. It's to remind me to make memories for my own "Memory Lane" - as now that's the only place I'll find my mother and so many others.

Other New Years things...

I'm a fulltime Freshman at East Central University and so far, I'm loving it! I'm taking 14 hrs this term and at least 12 this summer. My 1st Major is Special Education. I really want to dbl major I just haven't pinned down what the 2nd will be.

I'm in recovery from my surgery. I had a Hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy on January 14th. I stayed over night at the hospital and was on Oxygen for a while but was able to go home without it. Pain meds are my friends right now. I'm still sore and achey and OMG the bruises look bad right now (they will only get worse) but if thats the only pain I have out of all this, I'll be more than greatful. I'm hoping than when the surgery-soreness fades I won't have anymore pain in that area. No more treatments/cramps/discomfort/weird cycles that never end - EVER!

Life is good. Yeah, it really is.

Adoption Thoughts

2008-08-18T15:31:00.002-05:00

I've thought a lot about what Heather and I (Robert and Sean as well) are doing FOR Stephen. We've all, collectively, decided to something bigger than the sum of its parts. We choose to put this amazing little boy first and foremost. For Heather, she's in some way - lost a child. No one would be saying such cruel things, if Stephen had gone to live with our Lord. I am by no means, saying that my home is Heaven... or so Godly that His presence is here. OH, wait... but it is. It's a heaven for Stephen and Robert and I... and God's presence is here.

I've been studying some books, trying to learn how better to pray... and how to be a better Woman of Faith... and I find that they all say the same thing. Your relationship with God, is just that; a relationship... between you and God and everyone needs to butt out. Think about this - Jesus prayed... in the Garden of Gethsemane...

""everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will, not mine"" [Mark 14:36a] Christ understood that God is always after the highest good.

In my suffering to have a child... God blessed Robert and me with three children... and blessed us by taking those children to live with Him. I have struggled with insurmountable amounts of pain, chemotherapy, treatments, and prescriptions and yet, I, as a woman, felt incomplete. I didn't have the opportunity to be what I wanted most; a mother, someone's mom, someone's Heaven.

""Rejoice, O childless woman! Break forth into loud and joyful song, even though you never gave birth to a child. For the woman who could bear no children now has more than all the other women!"" [Isaiah 54:1]

""Ask, and it will be given to you"" [Luke 11:9]

And so, I asked. It was given. The instrument of giving was Heather. God knew, through all the suffering she faced, with her first husband and the trials of being a single mom to three children, going to school, working that she was so strong, that she could do ... so much more. That even though, she looked away from God for a time, and I did too... that we still were in His care, His love, His ever watchful eye and yes, He had a plan for us. I do not believe that God would have brought a sweet, amazingly loving child, such as Stephen, into being from such suffering, as Heather went through at the hands of Donald, without good reason. The reason was, God knew there were TWO mothers who had the ability to love this little boy so much, they'd do anything. One mother, would give him up, knowing that while it would hurt, and she would miss him in the day to day, he would have no doubts as to her love for him, because she gave him the opportunity to be the one and only child. Another mother would move Heaven and Hell itself to do anything to keep this little boy from harm.

We've made sure that has no doubt as to how much he's loved and much of a blessing he is to both of our families. He's enlarged my family, by taking us from being 'just two' to being 'three'. By his being here, he's allowed Heather more time to focus on preparing her older three boys for the world they are about to come into, and to give her and Sean's baby all the love she can.
I have no doubts that Heather loves Stephen. Nor does he doubt it. When asked his answer is simple and profound, as children tend to be... we had this conversation a few days ago.

"Heather loved me and you a lot, didn't she mom?"
'Yeah. She really does. Why?'
"She knew you needed me and dad needed a son and she had a lot, so God told her to share. It's a good thing to share"
'Yeah, it is. I share with Heather too you know...'
"How?"
'My mom and dad and me. We kinda adopted Heather when she and I first met. She almost married my brother. She became part of our family. It's why I call her Sisi. I don't have a sister, but she's become my sister in my heart and through God, she's my sister.'
"Like at church, we're all brothers and sisters. But your mom is Heather's mom... like you're my mom."
'Exactly. My mom adopted me. My mom knew she could love some little kid, that she didn't give birth to, so much that it didn't matter whose tummy I came out of. Just like you, it doesn't matter that you came out of Heather's tummy, it just means I get to love you more.'

We talked quite a bit more about things. He really does get it. It's scary and amazing that a seven year old can get that God is the one in the one in charge... that He knew that I could love... just like God loves. We are not his children by blood, genetics or anything more than mercy. We are His children by adoption. Adoption goes beyond the world. It is greater than the world, and it's before the world in the plan of God, and it will outlast the world, as we know it. It's greater than the "universe" and is rooted in God’s own nature. Adoption is "from him"—from God.
""In love he predestined us for adoption."" [Ephesians 1:5]

So adoption was part of God’s plan. It was his idea, his purpose. It was not an afterthought. He didn’t discover one day that against his plan humans had orphaned themselves in the world, and then come up with the idea of adopting them into his family. Paul says, he predestined adoption. God planned it.

God adopted us for the praise of the glory of his grace. Therefore we adopt for the praise of the glory of his grace. The questions you ask as you ponder adopting a child who needs a family are not first questions of feasibility or affordability. The questions you ask first are: Is my heart fixed on glorifying the grace of God? Is my aim in this to make the grace of God look glorious? Is Christ the center and goal of this decision? We adopt a child not for our own glory but for the glory of God’s grace.

Our aim is to take a child who by nature makes himself the center of the universe and show him that he was made to put God at the center of the universe and to get joy, not from seeing his own tiny worth, but from knowing Christ who is of infinite worth. We adopt to lead a child to the everlasting joy of making much of the glory of the grace of God. We model mercy because we freely choose to love this child, no matter what. Many adoptions happen sight unseen. He passes no test. He is loved freely without meeting conditions. We don’t base our choice on what we see. We love because we have been loved. This is mercy. This is love.

I feel sorry for anyone who can look at what Heather and I have done and see evil. I only see God's work, God's love and God's mercy.

Convictions

2008-02-16T14:56:00.003-06:00

The conviction of not being good enough; is feeling as if you have a lack of ability and certain character traits that make you less worthy. Nobody can stand those thoughts. Whether we realize it or not every person in this wide world needs the knowledge of being worthy – at least from some people. We need to know that we are enough for those persons, just the way we are.

In our first steps of life, it is our parents whose attention and love we crave. Then there will be our friends, the people we meet on our way to adulthood. Finally yet importantly, the person we love. Finding the one you truly love is a tough task. Most people spend their whole lives searching, while others get the great opportunity of finding them without much effort. Nobody said that finding would be just the end of the story.

Finding does not mean having.

If you find the person you are convinced is the one for you, is it enough? Several factors have the ability to destroy your dreams and hopes about a serious and long-lasting relationship. First, the façade some people create. From the way people act with their masks, it is not always easy for other people to see through their masks and right into their hearts. Secondly, they are marked by their past. Many are too afraid of another relationship that may end in the same or worse ways. Thirdly, if the man you love is not really the person you knew or though him to be.

Moreover, if you do not care that he is different, if you still believe, he is the one for you, it will destroy you. Knowing you are not enough for the man you are ready to spend your whole life with, for the man you would change into a different woman, for the one man you would do anything – is something nobody can bear alone. In spite of everything, it happens. You fall, you love, you give and you change. Then you will have to deal in your own way with the one thought: “I am not good enough”.

The only thing worse than that thought, is the fear and wonder if there is already somebody else who is.

To that end, you could say jealousy is a bad character trait if you would just see things perfunctorily. Well, sure, in some way, it is – but in fact, it reveals so much more of that person. Jealousy is a great sign that somebody is not satisfied with himself, not approve the way oneself is. Because only those people need to be jealous of other persons who believe devoutly that they lack of something. It certainly has also something to do with the question if they are good enough – whether in their own eyes or in the ones of others. They are unsure. Slowly a deep and steady idea arises within them that something is wrong with them.

Now they observe other people. Notice how they appear, how they behave and how positive the environment reacts towards them. Honestly, they want all that as well. A self-confident person would most likely never get the idea to wish to be somebody else. He does not require that. The problem at first is, to make those persons realize; there is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of. That they are precious creatures just like every other human being. For sure, that they do not need to change their personalities to become valuable or beloved – because they already are.

The environment, which includes the people around you; need to realize, as much as they want to, that it is not their place to help. When you are already that convinced of your worthlessness, people who are close to you are much likely too carried away by their own feelings, than to be able to help you. Sometimes, there is only one option left: An outsider is necessary to make you see things, things you would not acknowledge from anybody else. The only condition is are you willing to open yourself up to that outsider.

People say that time can heal everything.

It may sound clichéd, but in a way, it is true. If people are willing and patient enough to spare an uncertain amount of time and work, things will improve. Tentative friendships can be reformed, restructured and shored up; a broken heart and spirit can heal and grow stronger than ever before. Time can help people get over the hurt and pain and allows them to make a fresh start – if only the people are willing to make one. For that, a person also needs to see that they are worth enough to let time take care of things and that they need to undertake the task of initiating and supporting said fresh start.

The question is how to realize that? How to accept, to believe that you are good enough just the way you are? How do you stop doubting yourself?

The trigger is different in each situation, but a certain trigger is necessary nonetheless. The trigger can allow you to pour out and face every one of your afflicted feelings. It has the ability to force you to see the inner-battered self. It has the potential to give insight to why you had given up on yourself. The hope is that it can help you to find the strength and bravery to leave the protective shell and to fight. That does not mean that everything is fixed, but it can show that you are willing to gain a confidence back in order to accept whom you are and what you want. Those changes are necessary and do not occur over night. They need time.

Men are not sensitive human beings, people say, but when they actually open up to a woman, they are often more vulnerable than any female could ever be. When do they ever truly open up with all their heart? When he shows you that you are his world and when you allow yourself to believe him. Then and only then will you lay all your trust in him, to hold you the next time that you need someone to have your back. In a way, they both learn something that only time could make them see.

If you are never brave enough to let anyone in your own little world, then you will never know what it is like to be happy. You will never know what it is to be complete. In the end, you need to be look at the people around you that love you, although they are human and full of flaws.

Just like you.

Just like me.

Tuesday Funny

2008-01-29T09:42:00.000-06:00

I don't really think I need to add to this do I?

The captions say it all!

Report Card Day

2008-01-14T18:04:00.000-06:00

We approached today with some mixture of worry and anticipation. We were anxious about his "grades" becuase the 1st nine-week report card was filled N's than S's and a concerned note about his attention span and ability to work independently. Stephen, who we kept oblivious to our distraught feelings last time his report card came out and we had a meeting with his amazing teacher. (I say amazing because she's been at this for over 20 years and asked for Stephen to be in her class [she knew him from church and we felt this would be benificial because then he'd already know the teacher] and we all agreed).

I'm proud to say that we had NO reason to worry. For first-mother... here's pictures of his report card... got questions... wanna know more - CALL ME!!!!

"I can put my tongue through the hole, mommy!!!"

2008-01-04T18:59:00.002-06:00

These were the happy, excited, high pitched words of my six year old just minutes ago. See - he had his first ever loose tooth. He came into the room in tears because it was loose and bleeding.

It's the very middle one.

It took me a good five minutes just to calm him down and explain about baby teeth and big kid teeth. Kristy called him over to look at it and with a little jiggle and a wiggle it popped right out without any tears.

See - there it is. Such a little thing. (I think I was crying more than he was at this point)

That's when he had to hold me and be held - just to make sure it was all ok.

After that... it was a call to Grandma and Granddad to tell them the happy news. Now, being as Grandma knows Santa it's only logical that Granddad know someone... yup - you guessed it - he knows the tooth fairy. Any what did that old tooth fairy say? That Stephen was to eat as much sugary sweet things like candy and cake for the next 24 hours to help the other teeth to fall out faster. Thanks Granddad.

Stephen was all excited about this answer and ran into the bathroom to look at his new big kid tooth that's coming in and to check out the hole that the little one left. That's when he hollared "I can put my tongue through the hole, Mommy!!!". I'd forgotten how big a deal and how exciting loosing your first tooth can be. I need chocolate now... and thanks to Granddad I have to share.

Then again - can you say no to this face/smile?

I can't.

Nope... not even going to try.

...................... Must give him candy now.

No Regrets - it's the little things that really count

2007-12-19T08:51:00.000-06:00

It seems like this has been the year for ups, downs, sideways and diagonals even. There has been the entire gambit of emotion and as the calendar year draws closer to an end, I sit and wonder ... did I make the most of the time I had this year?

When I think about Stephen and Robert; the times I've had with them and with my still-kinda-new-Taylor-family. . . I can honestly say I have a few regrets. I didn't spend as much time with them as I thought I had and wanted to. Maybe it's just the meloncholy-ness of today that's making me look back and feel that dreaded word "regret".

On the up side, there is SO much that I did do. Robert and I took our son so many different and new places that if I were to list them here... well after 10 minutes you'd get bored and stop reading. We did little things with him that to hear him tell "was SO cool". The most recent being he has his very own ornament on the tree. Nothing too crazy, just a Spidey ball... but he knows it's his - he knows it's to mark our first Christmas - and it was an "early-christmas" gift. Stephen, like me it seems, is all about the little things.

Stephen goes back and forth on wanting his hair to just lay down like normal and be "spikey". Last week he wanted it spiked so Rob spiked it and sent him off to school. It took less than 30 seconds from start to finish to out the door. To hear Stephen tell it, Dad lifted each strand of hair so that it came out just right. It was the time spent, the smiles traded in the mirror and the 'I love you, son' on the way out the door that made it perfect.

So, I guess what I have to remind myself, whenever I start going "we didn't do this, we should have done that, Oh- I wanted to go there" and the ever popular, "dang, we wanted to see that while it was still on the big screen"... I need to just shut up and look at the list of things we did.

We hug Stephen and each other lots of times every day.

We say "I love you" before we say "see ya later" or "bye".

We say "I'm sorry" when it's needed and sometimes when it just feels right.

We get Stephen books and then read them to him. (he likes it best when dad reads)

As far as Christmas goes and all the moving about... we got that covered - Grandma KNOWS Santa. He was in her shop and Stephen got to meet him AND Mrs. Claus. [they got ready for the parade there and Grandma is the best and hooked us up! Ergo, (in Stephen's mind anyway) he's getting everything he's asked us AND Santa for Even though we moved just before Christmas, it's okay... Grandma will make sure Santa knows which house to take the presents to. We are not blowing too much smoke up the Santa Suit though, most of his gifts are coming from us or his GodFather, friends, grandparents, Aunts and "my other family" [as he's dubbed close friends like the ones we are staying with for the holidays].

One of the Santa gifts is a Skateboard. Wait, don't freak out over this idea, you have to keep reading. Now, being as Stephen is only six... Robert and I both looked at each other and went "I don't EVEN think so"... envisioning many scrapes, bruises and broken bones. Then we talked about it... and talked to a spikey-haired-dimple-flashing-puppy-dog-eyed-how-can-you-say-no-Stephen.

"Okay spike, here's the thing: you are kinda short on one end, I dress you funny according to Granddad and even Ken [who's 4 and his best friend] outweighs you by 15 pounds. You don't like tall places and you want to scoot around on a fat little stick with wheels? I really feel scared about buying you a skateboard. It's going to have to wait until you are at least 8, sound good?"
Now, my son has been taking private lessons from dad called 'in-your-face-can't-argue-with-it-logic"... I thought my logic sounded good.

I was wrong. SO very wrong. *sigh* dang it!

Stephen's logic was better. "But Mom, Grandma knows Santa, so, he can bring me one since it scares you." And off he went - confident in Grandma's connections.

So much for that whole "tell your kids the reasons you are saying no". BAH! HUMBUG! It just gives them ammo to shot your reasoning full of holes. Now we're FUBAR because we can't let Grandma's cool status drop by having Santa not come through with the board. There's no way in the world I'm buying him a full on skateboard. Nu uh. Nopety, nope, NO. Okay then, what about one of those smaller ones, made for the little kids? Still doesn't solve the whole 'shattered bones' concern we have given how small and fragile he is. Then it hits me and the big lightbulb over my head comes on.

LOOP HOLE! We will have Santa come through for him. Yup! Just Santa will do it MY WAY! We plunked down almost ten dollars for the coolest FINGER skateboard we could find. It got wrapped in the special red-santa-wrapping-paper. Rob and I look at each other and grin, the worst he can do with that board is ... no! No, don't even think about it.

I have to say though, Stephen's been pretty down to earth on his Christmas list. There was only about 5... no 7 things on it. We, being the over-indulgent-it's his first Christmas-parents... we got WAY more than six things for him. Just in case you are wondering...

Stephen's Chirstmas list:
A red bike - got it -Thanks Grammy and Granddaddy!
The 3rd Pirates movie - got it - way to go us!
A red remote control Truck - got it - Thanks to the GodFather {Tenney}!
The Meet the Robinsons movie - got it - Thanks Shaina!
A soft/warm blanket like moms' - got it - Thanks Grandma and Granddad!
The 5th Harry Potter movie - got it - way to go us - Santa's getting the credit.
and a skateboard - got it -Santa comes through 'cuz Grandma knows him.

Christmas Tree

2007-12-09T23:22:00.000-06:00

We put up our Christmas Tree this Saturday. It's a CUTE thing... only 6' tall (and fake to not bother any of our allergies)... and beautifully decorated in Red and Gold... with a lovely real vine-woven 5-pointed star on top. There are presents being hid in Robert and I's room... and present hid in the garage just waiting for an eager six year old to look upon them and open them in awe.

I have pictures of the decorated tree w/ the three of us around it... but not pictures of the tree being decorated. (sorry)

It's cold here tonight... icey and supposed to stay that way for a couple of days due to a front that has come in. If the ice isn't too bad tomorrow - I'm supposed to go to East Central and apply for courses for this January. I'm REALLY looking forward to going to college.

I'll share more later when I can but for now...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Snow on Saturday

2007-11-26T11:17:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was Thursday and Friday we all went to a friends house for our own Feast Day. The kids had a great time and Stephen has made two new friends. I've made a new "mommy friend" too. She and I share the same beliefs, worries, parenting styles and even a few similarly placed freckles. Lets not even go into the fact that we keep saying the same thing at the same time out of the blue in two different rooms. lol

Her kids came over to my kids house to spend the night. A first for Stephen - having friends sleep over. It hailed ice on the way home, not much but a little and my gods it was COLD. Low and behold - when they got up Saturday morning there was another first... it was SNOWING! It wasn't cold enough for it to stick to the ground but it was falling thick enough they ran out and twirled around - mouths open trying to catch and eat the first snow of the season.

Me, I ran out for my camera only to find that my batteries were dead and there were none to be found in the house. Oh, how I wanted a picture of my son twirling with his friends in the falling streaks of snow.

The Attitude Fish - Marlin

2007-08-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

Stephen is doing amazingly well, for any of you who are wondering. He's stayed steady at 36 pounds for the last two weeks and has a teeny-tiny version of "Dad Tummy". Stephen and I do yoga at least once a week (thanks Dawn for your influence there) and his teacher reports that he's "doing great" in her class. He's finishing his work on time, showing a real interest in the new things and willing to participate once called on.

The school and its employees are working so very well with us. They are even allowing Stephen to go by the last name of "Taylor" without a problem. I think it helps in his transition that several of his classmates, his T-1 teacher, next years 1st grade teacher and the principal go to church with us and his grandma, so all those faces are familar. Never under estimate the power of the Grandma-connection. We've worked really hard over the summer and he's putting together the puzzle pieces that make up the english language.

What else new is going on, we had a pet-death in the family... Stephen's beloved red Betta, Marlin, swam his last on Monday and so that in and of itself has been quite the teachable moment. Stephen and I bought that fish in Bryan three summers ago right before I started back working for Connie. (That's a long life for a Betta.)

Can you say "attitude"?

The Bees have nothing on us

2007-08-23T12:23:00.000-05:00

Bees look like lazy bums compared to our family and friends. With jam-packed schedules and only sleeping maybe 5 hours a night I sit back and wonder how long I can keep up.

I'm in desperate need of a nap... does anyone have a frying pan, Duct Tape or some velcro suits and wall to stick kidlet, roomie and roomies friends on? The Duct Tape is to tie the hubby down so I can be in the same room with him for more than 5 minutes in passing. (Me getting home from work and him heading out the door to work).

With as little as I feel I'm getting done at the house and as little as hubby and I are getting to spend quality time with Stephen... moving to the boonies, homeschooling and living off the land (but some how managing to keep my computer, internet, cable and AC is a must)... ok... no living off the land like they did in the 1500's... we're talking 2000 style. :D

ACK - I have no time... have to get back to a training class.

I'd post up a pic of my kid doing his saturday thing.. but i need permission from the other kidlet's 'rents in the snap shot first.

Just call me a busy bee

2007-08-09T13:27:00.000-05:00

This summer has just flown by. It started off fast-paced with Stephen joining our family and home in June. That entire month is a blur. I can't even beging to tell you what all we did- as there is simply toooooo much to recount. I do know and can tell you that we had LOTS of fun.

July - pretty much the same thing. Lots and lots of business filled with worry over Grammy (my mom) being in the hospital.

So far August has been just as eventful. I've gained another client so that I still get a full week of work but which allows me to have the work day done and over with by 3pm. Which is a good thirty minutes before my son will be finished with his day at school.

School starts back for my little one on the 17th (just a half day but for him - by golly it counts) with his first full day being the 20th. That is also my first day to work with my new clients. Robert however, is off that entire day so he'll be the parent on call and on duty for this first full day of school. I think he's looking forward to that.

Here are my blessings and wishes for all to have a safe end of the summer and a great start to the new school year.

Short and Sweet

2007-06-21T10:25:00.000-05:00

My goodness the last few days ... well week has been hectic but fun.

Stephen had a blast at the zoo last Saturday with Grandma, Pat and Tanan. I have pics and will upload some soon.

Tuesday he had his "welcome to the family" party at my friend Jami's house and I was overwhelmed and awed by the level of support and caring our church family is showing.

Next Monday Stephen has an assessment at Glenwood with some reading specialists to get a better idea on where he should be placed next year as far as grade. Weither it be Kinder again, Transition or straight on to First grade. Either way, we'll continue our "home schooling" over the summer.

More later!

Sunday Brushing Before Church

2007-06-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

Sunday mornings are a hectic and busy time for us here in the Taylor household. It's worse when we wake up late- which we did this past Sunday morning. We all got up around 830 with the looming fact that church starts at 930 hanging over our heads. We have to factor in shower time, breakfast time, blog checking time and drive time. We did not however factor in Maggie brushing time. It's now on the list. Normally this cat would sooner claw you than let you brush her or pet her, however, I have my own little cat-whisperer and he can do almost anything with her and she goes back for more.

Church was great - with a showing of pictures from this past Thursday's park trip. Since I was working, Robert took Stephen to the park with many of the other same age kids from our church. Apparently they all had a great time and when I get the photo, I'll share it with everyone.

We have a busy seven days coming up. Next Tuesday we are having a "shower/party" in celebration of Stephen joining our family. We are so looking forward to it. I have training on Wednesday and Thursday so Stephen will have his first of many evenings in Grandma's care.

Well, that's all for now, Stephen and I are off to get ready to go for a short play-date with my bosses' kiddos before bringing Jaycee (the lil girl I care for) back to our house for the day while her Mommy does a full day of errands.

Father and Son time

2007-06-09T13:43:00.000-05:00

I caught this little jem today while dropping in to grab my car charger. My sweet guys were chattering away while playing a StarWars-Lego-Gamecube-thingy. They had already played Sorry (dad won but the guys had fun anyway), had lunch and played with Stephen's Thomas the Train stuff. Video games aren't my thing but these two could play all day if I'd let them (which I don't). It's back to work I go but I wanted to share my guys with y'all.

Changes

2007-05-29T08:51:00.000-05:00

Oh my goodness. The last eight weeks have been full of ups and mostly downs. I stopped working on April 19th because of ethical and legal differences of opinion between myself and the company I was working for. From that point I kinda lost my way for a while. I still functioned on the day to day but I was just... blah or was it bleh? Either way it wasn't happy-go-lucky.

About three weeks ago, Robert and I moved out of the dingy little house we were in and into an apartment with a friend of ours, Pat (he needed help and we did too). Pat has a six year old too, and so it worked out well that Stephen will have a friend (his age) to hang out with for most of the summer months.

One of the good things about the move was the ability and necessity to de-clutter and downsize our stuff. Robert and I got rid of quite a bit of things that were broken, worn down or just plain "ew" that we didn't want to haul with us to the new place or tuck into our garage for storage. I spent a good two days going through the garage, organizing just the boxes so I'd know, in a round about area, where everything was. There are still boxes that need to be gone through and junk that needs thrown away but it's one of those things that will take time.

On a pleasant note: I (along with mom [rob's mom, Vanessa]) will be going to Dallas on Saturday the 2nd of June to pick up Stephen and his belongings. Robert has to work that day, and while I could make that trek myself, I really didn't want to, so mom was more than willing to go with to get her grandson.

Well, the day is getting on and I have a list of things that need done that requires me getting away from the keys and moving.

My Favorite Guys in Blue

2007-04-04T01:23:00.000-05:00

I was feeling a little blue today... and so in search of a smile I went flipping through my folder of pictures from Spring Break with Stephen, Robert and I. I snapped this one up on our last night together while they were playing at my momma's. They were wrestling around and giggling and here... well... I think Stephen effectively "pinned" Robert and then had to be a ham for me and the camera. It took my blues and made them into something better, into baby blues - as in soon that little red-haired, brown eyed boy that loves us so much (and you can bet your bottom dollar and dime we love him too) will be our 'baby'.

Just wanted to share the moment.

One of them days

2007-04-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

Mine was yesterday.
Nuff said.
Anything I could say, would get me in trouble.

Rain... Rain...

2007-03-30T14:56:00.000-06:00

Most of the time whenever I think of rain, I hear the tune "Rain, rain, go away, come again another day" but that is not the case today. Today I'm thinking "how refreshing". We needed the rain. It's been too dry here in Oklahoma lately. The little ponds are filling up and over flowing, the ground is drenched and muddy, the puddles are rippling and inviting little feet (and big feet too) to jump on in and splash away.

I remember a rain storm once, in the summer of 82 I want to say. It was just coming down in buckets and for some reason, pawpaw and I were sitting on his porch swing. There were no words that needed to be said between us, no need to fill the silence with small talk - he and I could just sit and swing and watch the cloud cry and bless the crops and the earth with water. I long for those slow days, of just sitting and swinging and not having to say a word - just watching the rain fall.

Fast forward about 25 years to today. I'm working this afternoon and yeh! the laptop at work is opperational again, and it's alternating between pouring and just steadily raining. The yard has that wet-green smell about it that makes you want to dress a tad lighter just so that you have an excuse to curl up under the covers. I did that yesterday though - so today is not the day for it.

Yesterday was a bittersweet day. My mother-in-law (mom) held an auction at her embroidery shop. In her words - she was selling off 12 years of her life a stack at a time. It was sad, but Robert and I were there for her. The high points in the day was when she was introducing me (and Robert) to some of her friends who came to buy and to just offer support... and she shared with them that she was a grandparent to be to a 6yr old. She would light up and the horrible mind-numbing pain of that day was gone, if only for a second. It rained yesterday too. It feels like it's been raining non-stop since we had Stephen with us.

I'm counting down the days (in my own head) until the end of the school year and we can go and get him. I just can't wait. I know that Mom and Dad (in laws) are the same way, they are anxious and excited at being grandparents. Robert and I are too. We have several irons in the fire (or balls in the air- as he says) and we are just hoping we can juggle them all instead of them dropping at the wrong moment.

My charge is stiring so I need to close this for now.

In Need of a Caption

2007-03-23T00:41:00.000-06:00

I need a cute caption for this photograph of Stephen taken at the Aquarium in Houston this past Spring Break. I'm putting together a kind of scrapbook photobook for his grandparents to be and I need some fresh ideas.

THANKS!

Spur of the Moment Dinner Party and Proof of a Proud Dad

2007-03-22T22:39:00.000-06:00

As usual on the weekends right now, I work long days and into the late evening, as does Robert. Since his "lunch hour" falls around 9pm, and lasts for a scant hour, this leaves our choices rather slim. Not to mention, that the small town we live in rolls up its sidewalks about an hour before said lunch hour.

Tonight however, us and our friends must have been on the same vibe. It was Arby's time! Before Robert, I had to be seriously bribed to go into this place, much less eat there. I will admit though, I love their sweet tea and the Cherry Turnovers. If you haven't had either one, I suggest you go to your nearest store's freezer section and buy a box of turnovers. They really are that good.

Our friends Erik, Austin and Misty were there as well. Erik shares my love of cherry turnovers (luv ya CM) and we enjoyed the spur of the moment dinner party. Misty and Austin are expecting and Erik is like a loving older brother if not somewhat of a mentor to Robert and to myself. In all honesty, I think he's thought of in that regard by most of our friends, we all adore him greatly and I've spoke of him before as "the old man" or "CM".

In general conversation it was asked, "how's your kid doing?" It hit me then, this adoption of Stephen is very real. I knew it was, but it was yet another small confirmation that it was. I smiled and we spoke of our trip as Robert stopped eating and pulled out his wallet, showing off, in proud fatherly-fashion, a picture of Stephen from last November that was sent to us. It made me stop in my tracks and smile at this wonderful man that I am married to.

It's the little things that mean the most to me, as many who know me can attest to, and that little thing, him smiling, stopping what he was doing, to proudly show off his "son"... I couldn't be more proud of my husband.

That was the telling event of today that I wanted to share. And now, with his mom's blessing and ours too, of course, a picture of Robert and I with Stephen when we got to spend a week with him over Spring Break in Texas with our family and friends.

Be sure to check my photoblog site for more cuteness.

Angie, Stephen and Robert

Purrrfect Cat for Heather

2007-03-10T11:46:00.000-06:00

Wow - what will they think of next? Any of you Yahoo'ers may have seen this image on the front page.

Toyger - toy tiger - cat. At full grown - 10 pounds with the tell tale or is that tail stripes of a tiger with the white circles around the eyes. Heck it even moves, stalks and hunts like one of it's bigger mirror images. Not made from actual tiger dna, the breeder hopes that as the litters go on along with the next three years that the tiger look will be perfected.

Here's the video clip http://www.yahoo.com/s/526949 . I have to say; if not for the price tag $800 -$4000 for just one, I'd be getting her one... but my gosh- thats an insane amount for a "designer cat".

Our Official First Step

2007-03-07T14:45:00.000-06:00

There is a moment
when everything just clicks
and shifts into hyperfocus
you see how it is
how it could be
and how it was
what to do next
and how to proceed
you take that first step
and amazingly
the ground does not crumble
rather it's firm and warm
with a pulse all it's own
steadfast and unmoving
Choose this moment
to stand up for yourself
and the things you believe in
remembering that the greatest journey
always starts with a first step

- - - - - -
for us in our adoption process that first step will happen on 3/13/07 - please keep all of us in prayer and good thoughts.

Never Enough Thank Yous

2007-03-06T16:11:00.000-06:00

I recently got an email from one of the bravest women that I know and in my fields, that's saying a lot. This is a woman who's making the choice to give myself and my husband something we can't have on our own - a child.

As an adoptee myself, even with the rough spots with my mom and the annoying brothers and hateful cousins, a father who worked sooooo hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table... I can honestly say - I never had any doubts as a child that I wasn't wanted or loved. Not only had this couple wanted a child - they went so far as to take in someone elses and make it their own. Let me tell you - environment DOES make a difference - I'm lefthanded like my Daddy, need glasses like both momma and Daddy, I love a good meal, and at times, I say things that should only come out of Daddy's mouth. (if you haven't figured it out yet - even with all the working he did - I consider myself a Daddy's girl. Mom was always my friend growing up so she's in a different slot in my heart).

So... I know what it's like as an adoptee... but to become and adoptive parent... the awe of it has suddenly hit me. It's become a very real - set in stone (soon to be in legal paper) thing.

*begin rabbit chase*
And my dear husband, bless his heart, he's been so reserved since we started seriously talking with this amazing lady and her current husband in January... afraid to love too much ... afraid to get hurt and with upcoming events, that barrier of protection is coming down, bit by bit.

Let's take this into consideration - for the last five and a half years, my husband works in a Customer Service call center for a BIG cell phone corp... he spends 8-9-10 hours a day on the phone listening to people just RIP into him for things that he has no control over and experiences himself (since we have that cell service too)... so he kinda has this dislike of phone conversations. I can't say that I blame him too much. He and I had an online and phone relationship for several years - which caused him to talk on the phone even more. He did this because he loves me. -grins-

He will out of the blue and at 'our hearts' request call and chatter for a few minutes to thirty. [which is an amazing amount of phone time for a soon to be six year old] without getting itchy. Matter of fact - most times when he gets off the phone - he's grinning or laughing or both. He's taken to carrying a photo of 'our heart' in his wallet and will take it out and show it to people who ask about whats going on, or that he counts as important in our life.

[at least it's not a mid-birth photo as one woman at work has been showing people... I'm sorry... I don't want my coworkers seeing THAT much of me - NO thank you!]
*end rabbit chase*

So... how does one thank someone who is helping you to have a child? I've been trying for seven years to get pregnant and STAY pregnant... I've had three miscarriages thus far. And Robert and I have been trying since last Ja... July... No full term luck so far.

Someone asked me once what it felt like to be given away... with a cheeky smiled I said "GREAT - at least I know my parents really wanted me." Yeah - I was nasty to that lil person. I was in 5th grade I want to say and some lil prissy girl had pissed me off. She didn't really know what to say to that. I wasn't "Given Away" per se... I was GIVEN A BETTER CHANCE/LIFE.

So... for Linda Kay Green and William Eugene Cyphers - though you will never read this (Linda died many years ago and just a gut feeling I have about William that he won't be stumbling across my blog) thank you for giving me a better chance... a better life - you made the right choice for me.

For momma and Daddy - thanks for wanting me as much as you did and making me family.

For the mother of 'our heart'... thank you for giving us an opportunity at a fuller (more stressed -come on mom's out there - you know that it's stressfull) happier and bigger family. Thank you for giving 'our heart' to a family that will spoil him rotten [he will not smell that way though], grandparents that will ooo and ahhh over the first grandkid, other grandparents that will spoil from a distance, great grandparents who will love on him too and an Aunt that will always be a free tutor and is a great player of Marco/ Polo - especially in wal-mart.

And to God, to whom, I can never say "thank you" to enough.

Spoiler - that's me...errrr.. US - lol

2007-02-18T16:41:00.000-06:00

Well, it's offical - I'm a "spoiler". Though, if I am guilty, Robert is just as guilty too.

Our lil heart, S.M. has asked for his birthday gift. He didn't want anything high tech like a Wii or gameboy toys or a bike. Nope, he wants a Darth Vader costume - with helmet. Can't forget the helmet, folks or it's just a guy in a black suit and cape. So, here I have been for the last week searching the internet for a child's size costume that meets the requirements.

Oh, and he wants "jeans like Rob". What exactly that means, neither Rob or I have figured out yet. Rob's jeans are just plain blue jeans, not faded out and not torn in spots like some of the brands are selling their jeans like now a days. Maybe that's what S.M. means by "jeans like Rob" though, honestly, there's no tellin'.

Finally today, I found a Darth Vader costume. I'm just waiting on Robert's vote to see if it passes muster. Here's hoping it does. It will take it a few days to get to us and then a few days to get it to S.M. He's turning six in March and while it may seem early to some, to be getting the gift so soon, it's perfect timing for us, because of the way our paychecks fall.

Okay now, here's the picture of the costume... it's too adorable!

Well, I think so.

Bad Humor

2007-02-18T08:52:00.000-06:00

I'm still giggling. I got this in the mail today and OH ... it made me laugh and I just HAD to share! It seems odd until you open the link - then it's just in bad-taste-funny.

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can see the screen.
5. Open this email.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
7. Then hit this link:

http://tinyurl.com/e8efm

(if I offended anyone, sorry... but you have to laugh or you just need help)

Overnights and Evenings

2007-02-16T16:47:00.000-06:00

Somedays I absolutely love my job. As some of you who read my blog know, I work in home health care as a provider of daily living support to those who are developmentally or physically disabled or both. It's a very challenging and rewarding thing to do. At times, I want to pull my hair out and others, it gives me such a feeling of peace.

I work kind of an odd shift. During the school year, my main client - J - she has sevices before and after school, on weekends and on any day that she doesn't attend school for one reason or another. Giving me a grand total of 30 hours a week. Which is the minimum needed to keep my insurance active and paid for. Well, as a fill in, I've picked up a sepperate shift, a Midnight to Eight am, at the housing development my company owns/opperates. Bringing my weekly hours to a whopping 38. Now - you wouldn't think that 8 extra hours is that big of a deal, but with the fact that if anything goes funky here at J's ... those 8 hours at the House become OVERTIME. And that - is a big deal. It's a rare thing for OT to be approved with this company. So, I take it as a sense of honor that I have a standing "Okay" for OT whenever the weather goes bad or so-and-so just doesn't want to come in one night.

I get to stay up all night, work on whatever I'm reading/doing... watch TV and just.... veg really for 8 hours and get paid to do so. Yes, I have to do hourly spot checks, but all in all, it's cake.

Then there's the added bonus that I get all this done in 3days. Yup - 38 hours in 3 days. 14 hours on Friday, 12 hours on Saturday and the last 12 hours on Sunday. Mind you, sometimes, if J's folks decide to go out or something my Fri and Sat hours increase. If we are doing something special and I need to come in early... well you get the idea. So - I'm back to doing a 40 hour week and I still get Monday and Tuesday off with my Hubby.

So, all told, working overnight and evenings ain't so bad.

Eight Years

2007-02-14T22:09:00.000-06:00

Today marks eight ( 8 ) years that Robert and I have known each other. What started out as a chance meeting online one night, lead to continued contact, long talks, short calls, long calls, a meeting, a friendship forged, longer calls, visits during the holidays, moving in with his parents, getting engaged, getting married and as of Monday the 12th, seven ( 7 ) months of marriage. Not a bad turn out for a chance meeting one lonely Valentine's Day.

Monday was our day to celebrate. Robert planned it all out and told me to keep Monday free for him. No problem!! I worked Sunday night - so did he. We did however, exchange Anniversary/Valentine's Day gifts over dinner Sunday night. He got me an Alliance Pin (it's a WoW thing), a very sweet and appropriate card, Charmed season 7 and tickets. [tickets to what I'll get to later]. He also bought me a car charger thingy for my IPod but I already had one so it went back. I got him two cute cards, a watch band [wanted to get him a new watch but he LOVES his current one and does not want to 'upgrade'], homemade coupons and homemade dinner and a dessert run after work.

Monday... back to Monday. We pretty much lived at the movie Theatre [tickets to the shows]. We saw Night at the Museum (my choice), had a nice dinner, saw Because I Said So (mutual choice) and lastly [but turned out to be the best of the three], Stomp The Yard. Yeah - wide range of movie choices there folks... but that's Rob and I.

All in all, we had a great day together, like most of our days.

Late Night at Work

2007-02-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

It feels like the main time that I post is Sunday. That could be because I've gotten lazy about getting on the computer during the week. I check my email at a glance and if it's not my family, I don't bother with it. If I'm online, it's probably in WoW. I have, however, been writing every once in a while - with pen on paper. It's refreshing to get it out.

This has been a disturbing weekend with events happening too close to my own past, to someone small I know and care for and I can finally admit it to myself (and will to Robert too) that it's been fraking with my head. I've been closed off and bitchy and so close to tears the last 50 hours that I just want to hole up somewhere and hide. But I don't. I put on a happy-everything-is-fine-but-it's-not-face and pretend that I don't hurt, that I don't know, that I'm not haunted. I can't stop trembling and I don't want to eat and I'd like nothing better than to get a bottle and have enough shots to quiet my thoughts. But I won't. I won't let me and Robert won't let me either, for that matter.

Super Bowl & Pepper Spray

2007-02-07T12:43:00.000-06:00

If you can't tell from the title, my super bowl sunday was a doozy. Let me just say this: football fans and pepper spray do NOT mix well and under no circumstances, should this be reinacted at home or anywhere else for that matter. Anyone who says different, you have my prayers.

It was half time and people were milling about, grabbing snacks (again) grousing about 'Da Bears' being down and some cheering that the Colts were ahead. A curious little boy of ten decided to go nosing in a drawer and found this interesting looking canister. Having nothing better to do, he emptied the canister in the room and no one seemed the wiser. AT FIRST.

Enter me, walking from one side of the house I work in to the next, ie- pass one through the cloud. I'm tending to my charge and trying to get her ready to prop up in bed and watch the rest of the game - SHE LOVES football and I pass a 2nd and third time through the cloud. Into the kitchen and out again and wonder idly why I'm coughing, itchy all of a sudden and why my eyes feel like I have spikes in them.

Enter the three year old, complaining to his mom that "something tastes funny in my mouth". Which leads mom to investigate. By this time, everyone is hacking, from the 5 month old grandbaby to the I don't know how old grandmother. The dad is rushing EVERYONE out of the house and my charge, just in a diaper is covered from head to toe in blankets and pushed through the cloud (my 4th time by now) through the dining room and out onto the back porch. We need another blanket for J and it's time 5 and 6 for me to pass in and out of the cloud.

Only on my sixth time through does it dawn on me what I'm walking through.... actually, it dawned on me as I was leaning over the porch railing throwing up the yummie super bowl snacks in front of EVERYONE. Now... I'm an asthmatic and I have deadly allergies and this is not my first dance with pepper spray so on top of tossing my cookies (litterally) I can't stop coughing, wheezing and putting Darth V to shame with my rasping.

Pass through cloud number 7 has me taking my charge back inside because it's too cold and she has to be put to bed. I make it as far as the hall before I'm choking, hacking, coughing and I barely make it to the toliet where I loose it all over again. Now I come out of the bathroom; pale, sweating and looking like death warmed over and unable to speak because I can't get enough air in fast enough. Pass number 8 - final time and I'm out the house, puking just inches from the Vans on the feet of the boy who decided to empty the pepper spray in the first place. He looked a lil pale too come to think of it.

Boss' hubby tells her to get coat and shoes and take me to the hospital and off we go. I tell you what, normally her lead foot makes me nervous but that night, I was thankful for it! We got there in record time. Robert showed up shortly there after (he was at work) and I was back and seen by a doctor in less than two minutes. Might have had something to do with the fact that my O2 sat was down in the high 70s [its supposed to be 98-100 on a normal person - mine stays 94-97]. I was very impressed with seeing a doctor that fast... and he was a good one.

Several hours, breathing treatments and an EKG later and I was sent home with prescriptions, a rescue inhaler, anti nausea meds and an order to bed rest for 7-10 days. I tucked into bed and slept, waking to eat, medicate and spend some time being read to by my dear husband. I love it when he reads to me, we are currently reading On Basilisk Station: The First Honor Harrington Novel by David Webber. I'm liking it a LOT. I cheat though, I read a few chapters ahead between his readings to me but, he doesn't mind, he's read it before.

Back to bed for me!

Tattoo # 3

2007-02-04T11:37:00.000-06:00

I have just about decided that with part of what's left from our income tax return I want to get a third tattoo. I've narrowed my field down to I think two choices. I don't want anything big, as neither of my other two are "huge" or "flashy" by any means. Which kinda makes me want to get something flashy - maybe something with a lil color. Both my tattoos now are a solid color.

My First Tattoo - my own rendering of a Celtic Triangle (I'll try to have hubby take a pic so I can share). It holds some bitter sweet memories for me, but it marks a time in my life. I got it in the fall of 2000. I was working and living in Bryan, Texas as an interpreter and I couldn't very well have a tat in a place that would disrupt the flow of communication. So - tattoo was placed on my left shoulder blade. I originally asked for a UT/ freckle colored ink what I got was a navy outline and Aggie shaded fill in. To say I was pissed was an understatement. I used to say that I'd get it redone in black some day, but it is a reminder that people should be listened to, not just nodded and "uhmhuh"ed at. A reminder of a time in my life and friends that were so dear and now, they couldn't tell anyone whats going on in their life anymore than they can mine.

My Second Tattoo - Japanese characters of the phrase "To be Free". It was done summer of 2003. I'd just met Robert in person for the first time and I had just gotten my divorce decree from my Ex and I was stressed out, liberated, angry, hurt and ready to move on (or so I thought at the time) and jump back into life with both feet. It took me a while to heal all things considered. It is solid black and lives on my right shoulder blade. I was still working in the field where I couldn't have tats showing.

Both tats are about the size of the inside of my palm and in places where even a sleveless shirt almost totally covers them. However, my third one... will be significantly more detailed... mostly because of where I want it. I REALLY want it on the back of my neck - at my hair line... again, easy to cover yet visable if I want it to be. At the same time, I kinda want one where I can see it without using two or three mirrors. lol

ok.. so... I need help/ some help with this... here's the options.

Horse (UT burnt orange) - Tribal Daisy (petals will have color)

FUNNY - but true

2007-01-30T21:12:00.000-06:00

ZEN SARCASM and more

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Pretty much, just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles often begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So, if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, they won´t promote you.

5. At times it feels as though no-one truly hears you.... until you break wind.

6.You are unique, just like everybody else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think that nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of rent payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. Plus the fish are safe.

12. If you lend someone $20 and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember as much.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

15. The one sure way to double your money is to fold it in half.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with nimrods. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. "Experience" is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Always take the opportunity to shut yer pie hole.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

23. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take things too seriously.

Need To and Want To

2007-01-28T10:07:00.000-06:00

I desperately need to clean my house this week (monday and tuesday when I'm off work) but I want to just lay in bed, sleep, eat donuts with Maggie, play WoW with Robert and try not to worry about anything and medicate my migraine back to hell where it belongs.

I mean, come on... when is enough "effin" enough? {the use of effin - all your fault Princess Misty}

Is it too much to ask for a day withOUT feeling like my eyeballs are going to throb out of my head?

I need to stop bitching.

I need to be greatful I can feel the throbbing.

I want my head to STOP hurting.

I want a nap.

I want to feel more. content with what I can do.

I need to remember that part of being able to tie my own shoes, takes practice, just like it used to when I was shorter.

did I mention I want a nap?
at this point, I think I might need one too.

scattered thoughts

2007-01-27T15:33:00.000-06:00

I'm sitting at work, next to the window in the rocker where I always sit currently watching the wind blow the dead leaves around my boss' yard and listening to the video of Ani DiFranco that I have recently posted onto MySpace - it's not my favorite song of hers but I love the energy and vocal ability she shows. I've posted about Ani before so I won't revisit how I came to know her.

Never the less, no matter the mood I'm in, she makes my toe tap. Right now I'm on the fence between miffed and past the point of caring. Work stuff and I'll leave it at that.

I thought I had plenty of words to fill this white space, but I find now that I've got the page up and open... my mind has too many impartial thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
J's dr appointment week after next
S's surgery in three weeks
Valentines day 2007
7 years since I met my husband for the first time
its 4 years since I ran away from my ex-abusive-husband
friends left behind through the years
new friends made now that I'm here
Hishin the fire mage
painting at the dining room table
sewing on the new machine that mom gave me for Christmas
listening to Rob read to me
watching LWord on the sofa with Maggie the cat
remembering the time Rob and I got to spend with Stephen
walls down
kissing my husband before work and when he comes home

Melting

2007-01-21T13:51:00.000-06:00

The past week it's been cold and icey - finally yesterday and today it's been really melting. It was nice enough outside to have a kitlet wash my car and not feel bad about it.

I updated my MySpace recently and it reminded me that I hadn't blogged in two weeks. Way too long - but better than a month.

I really don't know what to say at the moment. Perhaps I'll think of something later.

6 Months Into Marriage

2007-01-12T15:42:00.000-06:00

For my readers - my apologies for such a break in postings. Between work, the holidays and a rescue mission, more work and some bad weather... life just reached up and reminded me that at least I had one.

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*
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It's nearing on a year since Robert and I progressed our relationship to the "yeah -this is serious" and marriage talks. Further beyond that, come Valentines day, it's been 7 years that he and I have known each other - since we started down this road called "friendship". Today marked 6 months since I met him in front of our preacher and we both said "I do". Mind you - he said it twice but that's another story for another time. It feels like it was just yesterday and at the same time, it feels like such a long time ago.

Through the years together, we've agreed wholeheartedly on some things, had similar feelings, strongly disagreed and compromised. If I agree or disagree it's okay with him one way or another. Sometimes I think he likes it better when I disagree because then the debate begins. We both have a history wtih debate from school (for him) and work (for me). So while at times, it gets silly at least we talk. And I could listen to him talk all day and not be annoyed by the sound of it and he doesn't mind when I get too tired and I shift from regular speech to Deaf-speak.

I think that's what I like best about being married to my best friend - the conversations we have. Not to mention the fact that I'm allowed to still be me. Yes, he's asked me to broaden my horizon, to take on new challenges, try new things, revisit some old things I'd left behind and most of all - to relearn how to trust those nearest to me.

While it may sting some of my family who may read this; the fact is, I lived with a degree (sometimes small and sometimes LARGE) of fear - every day - from waking until passing out in exhaustion, until I moved to Bryan, Tx in the fall of 06. Growing up, most kids find safety and comfort in being in their room -being in my room, in my own bed, was never a promise of safety. Fear of it being a bad day and that every little thing would be wrong or just not good enough. Fear of the next hit - because I'd pissed someone off or another just hurt so bad, they had to get it out somehow. Fear of being touched, because I never knew if it was going to stay platonic or warp into something very wrong.

Yet, through all that, I'm still a cuddle bug, I still adore hugs whenever I can get them. It's my own way of making new happy, non-traumatic memories. My point is that I don't live with that kind of fear anymore. It's not something I think about or have to worry about with Robert- he doesn't scare me.

I guess what I've learned in these short six months is that I'm finally safe and loved and that it's okay to disagree, compromise, cry and be happy.

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So here is my conclusion - my 3 positive things and a negative in a positive light as it relates to being married 6 months.
1+. I'm married to my best friend
2+. I'm safe with him
3+. I'm happy with our life
-1+. It took us seven years to get to this point, but that means we have an AMAZING foundation to build up on.

Brrr

2006-12-08T15:23:00.000-06:00

Well... it's not yet offically winter, as the Winter Solstice is yet to be upon us, bet take a minute and let me tell you it's COLD here. It got down to 12 degrees last night and the all mighty high today is 41. Now, for this lil 'ol Texan - whose idea of cold was ... oh - about 60 or so ... except for those two days when it gets icey then back up into the 60's and 70's again... I'm begining to wonder if my hands and feet will ever get warm and STAY warm - unless they are being toasted in front of the gas heater. Meanwhile, my roomie is running around in a t-shirt and jeans, saying how it's "too warm" in the living room. Ye gods above and below - I never thought I'd see the day. But ... we do need a hard freeze/winter here - the bugs were HORRIBLE. And the poor trees... thought it was spring again and have been (up until this week) budding out like it was. Pretty sad that the global warming has gotten so bad it's confused even Nature.

Anywho... I'm off to put on MORE layers of clothes and see if I can't obtain warm toes and fingers... and nose... and all of me!

Happy Feet

2006-12-02T10:00:00.000-06:00

HAPPY SATURDAY! It's only 23 more days until Christmas. I'm working today. Right now my girl is in, stretched out on her bed, playing with some toys, while the Christmas music plays. She's all smiles this morning. She knows we are going some where. Not only are we going somewhere - we are going to see Happy Feet this morning. S and I are taking her son and J with us... her middle son, C, is too cool to see Happy Feet so he's going to see Santa Clause 3. To each their own. Rob is going to be joining us, so it will be interesting to see.

Here's my favorite Happy Feet picture. I think it is my favorite because of the scenic view it holds.

update

2006-12-01T16:37:00.000-06:00

Yeah!

It's the weekend and yet I'm working... but that's okay... I like working with my girl. Things are SO much better and yet things are still up in the air at the same time.

I've come to the conclusion that I just need to buckle down and go to college. I've talked and talked with CM and the Cartography program sounds like not only something I can sink my teeth into but something I will enjoy. I've worked with CM a few times on some of his projects and have in some ways, fallen in love with the programs and the detail of it all. I'm the typical "A" personality... organization and coloring coding are right up my alley.

We are planning things and looking at numbers and how to's and where fore's and we'll see... but it will be done.

Laters til Later

My Favorite Singer

2006-11-11T11:06:00.000-06:00

I look at music as something I “like” but not something that I’m really passionate about anymore. As a child, I worked so hard to try and fit in and be able to sing. Charlotte Mims, mother rest her soul, encouraged me to sing, even when I was slightly off key and just a tiny bit behind on the beat. It was okay with her because I was trying. I … am sorry to say that with Charlotte’s death, I quit trying in earnest.

My husband on the other hand, walks around singing constantly. Either an actual song or making one up as he goes along. HE has the voice for it. He was in choirs too as a teenager and while I struggled with it, he just gets it. Something to do with his 90% retention rate and his love of music. It's an important part of his life, and so, in some ways, he's helped to bring music back into my life. I don't know if he has one favorite singer, he likes sooooo many.

When I lived with Heather - her favorite artist is Celine Dion - and I was introduced to her. This is how much my hubby loves music - he has several Celine Dion cd's of his own. And he's not afraid to pop 'em in and listen to them! *grins*

But that is their favorites... lets talk about mine for a moment. I consider her to be an ‘honest’ singer. I have “luv bug” to thanks for my introduction to Ani (Aw-ne not An-E”) DiFranco.

If you can put aside the in-your-face-honesty (similar to deaf bluntness in my book) her messages are clear and unmistakable. I found this link http://www.mp3.com/ani-difranco/artists/30079/summary.html to one of her amazing concerts in ‘02. This one in particular is her second appearance at Carnegie Hall. You have to click on the green PLAY button to hear it. It’s worth the time and effort to stream and listen to [in my book]. One of her songs (about ten minutes in) about Families… just makes me smile and nod. I can empathize with the song. A connection has been made.

Ani makes mention to some of her songs being “not a family song”. One in particular starts at 27:00 - the back story to the song starts a minute before. One of the key lines is “please don’t, please stop, this is not my obligation, what does my body have to do with my gratitude”. Being a survivor of sexual assault - I have yet another connection to the music, at the very least, to this one set of lines in the chorus. It is by no means my favorite song, but I can understand the frustration she sings of.

Ani does a set at 56:12 that talks about how “we are all poems, 90% metaphors“… her reflection and anger over 9-11 is shared... It speaks for itself. You have to listen to it with an open mind, it comes across as negative and slanderous against ‘American Ideals’ but the line “take away our play stations and we are a third world nation”. She speaks of a more serene time, when people cared and did what was required. In the background, where the audience is normally boisterous and vocal - during this set, they are quiet and attentive, listening.

“10% literal, 90% metaphor, 3,000-some poems, disguised as people on an almost too perfect day”.

Unfortunately she didn't do my favorite song of hers during the performance. However, I'll share the words with you just the same.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
32 flavors

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might wanna turn your head
'cuz some day you are going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
'til i passed and left them alone

god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
'cuz everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i never tried to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't wanna live that way
i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might wanna turn your head
'cuz some day you might find you are starving
and eating all of the words that you said

© 1995 ani difranco / righteous babe music

I knew it!

2006-11-10T14:18:00.000-06:00

Well - I should have laid money down, by way of a bet, when I said last night that J would probably stay home from school. I was right. But with good reason. She has really bad seizures and had two really "hard" ones this morning so she slept in. Lazy lady bug didn't wake up until 10am.

By that time, J was running a fever of 100.5 so naturally, Jwas given fever reducer, tucked into comfy pj's and I settled into work. That was until I got the idea to call in my co-worker. I knew A wasn't going out of town until this evening so I called on her charity (and the fact that I worked for her last night and I knew she probably would not turn her nose up at a chance to get the 5 hours back onto her paycheck). Mind you I had to go pick A up -her car is dead, has been for a while now- but doing so was worth it. I don't have to wear the same clothes for three days nd it let me drive my Camaro.
** By the way - he [the camaro] needs a name - any suggestions?**

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I got to spend time with my Darlin'. I got some laundry done [he helped to fold and put away and even helped me pack for the weekend]. We went for lunch with some friends and caught up on watching

Thursday Thoughts

2006-11-09T17:21:00.000-06:00

I've commented on all of the blogs I read that have been recently updated only to look at mine and smack myself in the forehead. MY own dearly beloved blog has not been updated this week. Could that be because on monday we cleaned house like whirlwinds, knowing that company was coming over on Tuesday? Slept in for a change on Tuesday -until Rob had to go to training *cackles with a small smile* it's about time that he had some training. Compared to the last three months and still more next month, that he finally has some himself is funny to me.

I've been staying up way too much this week... Let me explain schedules and why this is - I work from 730a-9a on W, Th and F mornings. 3p-8/9p on W, Th F... and 8a-9p on Sats.

That is when my main girl "J" isn't sick or mom just wants to keep her home.

This weekend, J's mom and dad are taking time for themselves (something they could not and never did before my working for them) and going out of town. They will be leaving Friday afternoon and returning Sunday evening. So... I'm on and at work the entire weekend - 24/3. The other girl who normally works Sundays and I have switched shifts (it gives her Thurs, Fri, Sat AND Sun off).

So... I basically go in @ 730a tomorrow (I have sneaking feeling she'll stay home tomorrow) and I won't get off work until 8 or later on Sunday night. But the contract overnight money in my pocket will help pay an unexpected and non-budgeted-for bill.

Robert on the other hand - has a very set and steady schedule. W,Th,F,S and S from 3p - 12midnight. Which equates to my staying up late to at the very least say hi to him when he comes home (on the nights I don't pick him up from work) and by that time, I'm amped up and can't sleep so I'm up until 2 or 3 or 5(last night) in the morning with him. And yes, I'm dragging my tired ass out of bed at 645 so I can go to work and be up AAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL day.

OH - Nifty Posible Thing Happening!

Mom (my mother in law - I call my own mother "momma") has told me about a craft fair being held in Ardmore this weekend and she and I may go and take J to it. (Her mom already approved the out of town trip! Woot)

J loves getting out, going for a drive and seeing things. Especially colors and will smile and giggle whenever I take her to Mom's embroidery shop (please note the # is wrong - if you are interested in something - contact me and I'll get you the number).

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I took this some weeks ago... and I look at it now and wonder about how things are seen when you just look at it for a second. Just a cracked nut on the ground. But it fed an animal, it will help to feed the ground, produce rain, air for me to breathe. Every little thing matters. Even if you don't think it might.

To be seen - or to be known

2006-11-03T11:35:00.000-06:00

We are taught as young children to not judge a person by their looks - but by the sum of their character - who they are in the "inside". Yet, at every turn, we are told to look at the outside only... in magazines, tv shows, and even in cartoons. Image has become a major focal point of our society. You must look this way, you should dress this way, you need to conform to the "accepted norm". I'm sorry, I don't do that. We as a people fought tooth and nail to not have to conform. Our forefathers crossed miles and miles of ocean, fought through horrid starting conditions all for the sake of being able to not have their lives dictated. Yet, here we are, still being dictated to - the packaging is just nicer. I'll be honest, I like looking at the bodies that make even a priest drool - but then once you scratch the surface what lies under isn't necessarily pleasing in any way other than to the first glimpse. Oh and don't forget, "they" say it's just the way it is. I still want to know who the hell "they" is or are and I think "they" need to have a reality check with a telephone pole.

Take the movie the Little Mermaid for example - the lead character is a tiny little girl with perfect perky boobs and a the perfect girly voice and flowing hair - even when under the water being chased by a shark and looks good in a ship's mast. The secondary female characters are well - to a point fat. The housekeep is fluffy but kind while the bad guy of the movie is a very well endowed and overflowing lady. Why can't the bad guy ever be a skinny chick and a fat chick be the good guy? Would that be such a bad thing? We want our girls to come into their own and be proud of themselves - yet we don't give "fat" girls any like sized role models to watch.

It reminds me of the backwater way of thinking that applied to pregnant girls. "Pregnancy begats pregnancy"- which is why girls used to get shipped off to the nethers anytime they came up with child before marriage. And even in todays "progressive" society, segrigation of pregnant and non in schools. It's not required in most larger districts but it is highly encouraged.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that being overweight is cool or safe or even medically sound - but lets face it, in this fast food, just nuke something and premade meal, sit all day in front of the tv either watching shows that rot the brain or playing video games until you have calluses world... it's no wonder. Supersizing your fries and soda are encouraged and diet drinks are pushed at every turn - mind you the chemicals in them just make you store MORE fat and make you MORE dehydrated and MORE hungry - oh... no.. "they" say that diet drinks are better for you.

So - answer me this... when you look, just into my eye - what do you see? Take a moment and look through the window of my soul... and ask yourself how you want to be seen and if you rather be "seen" or "known". Me - I want to be known, not just seen.

I work with too many indivuals who as a culture and community are typically not known - and most don't want to admit that said individuals were seen either. It takes too much time and too much focus. Who wants to hang out with someone who drools and can't control the most basic of body functions.

*raises her hand and waves like a 2nd grader who has the answer and has to pee at the same time* OH OH OH - ME ME ME!

I adore working with my individuals. And trust me, they are individuals. I've been at this off and on since the early 90's - not counting the lifetime I've spent with my mom and I'm still learning something new about things everyday. Not only do I work with developmentaly disabled, but with physically disabled as well. Some you can't even tell to look at them that they are in the severe catagory - while some are missing parts or all of a limb, others have a sharp mind trapped in a body that just won't do what said mind wants it to.

Heck, sometimes I feel trapped in a body that just won't do what I want it to. I take it one moment at a time because, one day is just too much at one once sometimes.

So, I ask again - would you rather be seen or known?

October in Review - Kinda a rant - you've been warned

2006-11-01T09:12:00.000-06:00

Near as I can tell, October was "hell" month for me and mine. It seemed and felt like every time we turned around, some new issue was popping up out of the snow like daisys (but not as reassuring as that sentiment, let me tell you).

Though, in retrospect, I don't have Lupus, or some antibody that will cause me to miscarry then to stroke with a year's time of said miscarriage. So, in that respect, it could have been much worse. Don't get me wrong though folks, worrying over the tests for two weeks was enough to make me a bit... "cranky".

Alright, alright, alright, so I was bitchy and snappish. You would be too!

Back to the point; all the tests Mr. Neurologist did came back negative, it just goes to show they still don't know what the devil is wrong with me.

"How long have you had headaches" they ask, "On a scale from 1-10, how bad is your headache" they ask. Me, I look at the doc like he's just grown two extra heads and asked me to call him "Fluffy", smile and say "First one like this I remember was in 92, and on a good day, it's 'just' a ten, on a bad day... well... 22 sounds about right". Which lands me a raised brow and a furious following of scribble, scribble, scratch, scratch on my chart. I wonder if they doodle or if they are really taking notes some days.

Though, I have to say: KUDOS to my Neurologist! He actually gives a damn. Last Friday his nurse calls me, to see if I'd given any thought to having a Contrast MRI done. He'd mentioned it the previous week (about 2 or 6 times) and the fact that Nurse Karen called to ask again, I went ahead and said "Okay, let's get it done, but can we do that here in Ada, please?" I could hear her smiling over the phone, normally that makes my day, but it made me want to vomit at that moment. Who was she to be bright and chipper when they were going to shoot me full of dye and expose me to even MORE radiation. Yipee, it's sure my idea of fun. NOT. And oh, yeah, I need to have a Beta HCG with a negative result before I can be radiated.

I had no sooner got off the phone with Ms. Chipper, when my favorite-est PA calls up to see how I'm doing. I told her point blank I felt off, as the upcoming holidays do not put me in a Happy-go-lucky-mood but more of an Ebineser Scrooge saying Bah humbug mood. She empathized and offered short-term-medication to help me through the holidays. *laughs* It's tempting but I think I'll keep my neurosis thanks. She really does have the best of intentions. She let me know that my OBGYN wants more tests run, because well, he just felt there were a few bases that Mr. Neurologist didn't cover. And, could I get them done STAT so that the results are back before my follow-up next week.

Excuse me, do I look like a fluffy poodle just waiting to jump through firey hoops for your pleasure? Cuz, jeez folks, I'm just a person who works, has a life and plays World of Warcraft!

Monday morning rolls around and I call Ms. Chipper, and lo and behold she has an appointment for my MRI set. Now, me, I'm thinking: "It will be next month or next year" as it's usually a 6-10 week wait to get into one of those things unless it's a medical emergency in which case, they push the appointments back and let the crits go to the front of the line - as well they should. Triage baby, triage. So, imagine my jaw dropping when Ms. Chipper says "Does Tuesday the 31st at 8:30am work for you - you said you have Monday and Tuesday's off." Yea, my jaw hit the floor. This doc wasn't playing around on wanting this MRI done. I said that it would work and she asked me to have my local OBGYN just add my BHCG test to the others he was going to run. No problem - I can do that. (Let me know that they ARE communicating with each other like they should - cookies for the docs).

Called the Bestest PA and viola, one BHCG added to the list and away I go to get blood work done. Snag hit - the lab they sent me to, don't do on site testing.. they send it to the City and didn't know for sure if they'd have the results in time. No problem, another call to Ms. Chipper and its now "be at the MRI department at 7am so they can do a quick BHCG before the test".

7am Tuesday rolls around and I'm barely awake and it's effin COLD. I can't wear anything with metal bits so my warm jeans are out of the question. So fine, sweats and a blankie are my friends today. I was apparently VERY nervous about this, so on our way in, hubby stops at Love's (his favorite breakfast place, even though it's a gas station folks) and gets his b-fast and picks up a stuffed horse thats bigger than both my cats put together times about three. It takes up an entire shelf in our bookcase! It's name is Sam, but I'll explain that name later. A second stop at Mc Donalds and I'm set for breakfast too (I just love their sausage and cheese biscut early in the morning before it's hard and tasting like glue and flour).

Anyway, we get there and OOPS, my lab order was never called in and could I please call my Neurologist (AT 730 in the MORNING) and have him call in the order. I'm thinking - "yeeeeeah... right... you want him to do what?" but I placed the call, spoke to the answering service and proceeded to wait. Honest to goodness folks, he called me back within 7 minutes. I about fell out of my chair. I told him what we needed and he got it done. Another blood test done and I'm back in the chair with the tech coming up to me with a sheepish look. I'm thinking - oh shit, what now?! - and he goes "the lab just called, and it's a negative, but so did XX (the other lab that I went to Monday) and their test was negative too" So... I called my poor Neurologist at an ungodly hour for nothing. SORRY DOC!

Anywho, they did the test, shot me full of dye, tried to talk to me while I was in a tube with things against my ears and got a bit frustrated when I couldn't hear them. Uhm... HELLO!!!!! I told you I was hard of hearing and if you made me put those ear plugs in I was DEAF! But would you listen to me? Did I know what I was talking about? Oh... no! I'm just the patient, I don't know jack shit about myself and my abilities or inabilities - I need YOU, who have never met me before in either of our lives, to tell me that I'll be able to hear you just fine through them. *scoffs* Showed you what you and your paper that says you-can-be-taught knows.

Okay... that's enough bitching... positive things:
Tests came back negative.
October is OVER!
I made it to level 40 with my Mage in World of Warcraft like I wanted to!
It's that much closer to my birthday!
I finished season 1, 2 and 3 of Voyager.
I finished season 1 of Supernatural - wicked show folks!

- - - - - -

Oh! And in case any of y'all were wondering how I got the marquee on my page, this is where I get it from. I just kept playing around until I got it to scroll across where I wanted it to. You can get it to scroll or not scroll. Me, I kinda like the movement, it catches your eye.

Happy Hallow's Eve

2006-10-29T04:34:00.000-06:00

50 things about me

2006-10-22T18:17:00.000-05:00

I’m a woman.
I’m a cancer survivor.
I’m naive sometimes.
Wife.
I'm a caretaker of non-ambulatory teenagers.
I'm Hard of Hearing/ ASL Deaf.
I'm a member of the Deaf Community.
I'm a member of the Hearing Community.
I'm a believer - in many things.
Capricorn.
I'm a painter.
I'm a writer.
I'm a singer.
I communicate with more than a voice.
I am me.
I'm a survivor of brutality.
I'm fond of yellow daisies.
I'm enticed by a freshly showered Darlin'.
I'm passionate about my friends and family.
I'm a best friend to several.
I'm in love with two of my best friends.
I'm married to one of them.
I'm an "adopted sister" to the other.
"Pet" to two cats (I've finally learned they are the bosses).
I have a Beta Fish too.
I'm afraid of thunderstorms but I love to see them roll.
I'm always trying to come up with new recipes in the kitchen.
I'm addicted to chocolate.
I don’t always understand “hearing humor”.
I ally myself with the element of Air.
I enjoy seeing things through a camera lens.
Hot cocoa does make things better.
Ice cold tea is my favorite drink in the summer time.
I miss the snow and weather that makes we don a coat.
I’m an Aunt to 3 boys and 3 girls by family.
I’m an Iggiey to 6 boys and 1 girl by heart.
If I had to describe myself in one word “kitten” would be it.
I play World of Warcraft and love it!
I think the world would be a better place if punishments were swift and fitting the crime.
I have forgiven those who have done me very wrong - but I have not forgotten.
I’m glad to have the parents that I have - it could have been much worse for me.
I’m blessed when J smiles at me.
I’m amazed when I look back at what I’ve lived through.
I cast.
I breathe even when it’s not always easy to do so.
I love to read a good book and will even give the “bad ones” a chance.
I’m always looking for new cookie recipes.
I have more courage than I usually give myself credit for.
I’m happy.
I blog - can’t you tell? I hope you enjoyed this peek into me.

A picture is worth how many words?

2006-10-21T02:49:00.000-05:00

this is me right now.

nuff said.

I'll post tomorrow - after I've slept some of this... away.

Blessed be.

Wintersmith Wanderings

2006-10-19T17:38:00.000-05:00

Amphitheatre @ Wintersmith

The first place that Robert and I went on a date was to Wintersmith Park - here in town. I had just driven up from Texas (last year at Thanksgiving break) and he suggested a walk to stretch my legs and give us the chance to talk. We took Tara - his mom's black lab with us, because she loves going for walks too, and off we went.

It was a beautiful day. Not cold but not hot either. Just perfect. I simply adored all the trees. The company was good too. -smiles- And off we three went. We walked and talked for at least an hour, just taking our time to look at everything and just enjoy being together. I was amazed at the waterfalls and Robert took delight in pointing out the masses of squirels that live in the park. He has much better hearing than this lil HoH (Hard of Hearing/ASL Deaf) lady has. If he didn't hear them, Tara sure did.

It's been so dry here (and elsewhere too) and this past weekend and week it's rained off and on. Sunday though, it just poured. When I took Robert to work it was raining. When he called at 5ish because he needed his keys, it was starting to slow down - just drizzling. So, on a whim and to relax, I went to Wintersmith to walk. As has become the norm, I had my camera with me and snapped pictures. I've put two posts worth up and will add to it tomorrow.

Here's two that I will share now.

&

I had to wonder, about this little leaf, if it wanted to be something different

or if it was just resting on it's way to the ground.

This week in review and a quality question

2006-10-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

Well - it's been a crazy week. I haven't done much really, other than work and trying to keep my head above water. I had created a secondary blogspot for photos and finally today I got it all set up and started adding to it. Some are pictures I've taken this week (like some of the flowers) while others I took several weeks ago and just hadn't put up. Others are friends and loved ones both present and past. I'll continue to update there and here. With my changing schedule and Robert's, I just didn't set the time aside to take care of my blog, am going to try to not let that happen again.

So - catching up for a weeks worth of things.

Monday we had "Family" over, by means of my husband and roomies best friend Erik. My husband calls him "THE old man" while I have affectionately dubbed him "CM" (for cookie monster). Typically either Sunday or Monday is what's become "cookie day". Which means I break out my jars and make some flavor of from scratch/made with love cookie and dinner for us at the house and any other "Family" who wants to come. This week it was Celtic Apple Roasted Chicken with stuffing and Split-pea-strone soup. We had CrasinSpice cookies that day. It was kinda a spice theme.

Tuesday we ran errands and paid a few bills. After all that, we just kinda vegged out. Didn't really do much of anything that day. I caught up on some much needed sleep. Oh - and I finally called the doc for a script for the blister/breakout sore that was trying to take over my bottom lip.

Wednesday - I worked in the early hours and in the evening. One of the consumers I work with was in a bit of a mood so I came home rather grumpy as a result. Sorry Darlin'.

Thursday - I overselpt. I thought I'd set the alarm... but we have cats... it went off sometime just before 8 and hubby got up and hit snooze - not thinking about it. I'm to be at work by 730. My main house called me at 807 going "are you okay? Where are you?" Needless to say I was dressed and there in seven minutes. Please don't ask how fast I was going - I'll plead the fifth! Well, all in all it was okay that I was late, my main consumer had a field trip so we didn't have to rush her morning (which is good - she tends to NOT like being rushed - imagine that ... come on... think about it - do you like being rushed? Huh Huh.... tell me. See... you don't like it either.).

Friday - well... that was the day I stayed up too late the night before... but for good reasons :) and went into work with the intent of "I'll do my hour and a half then go home and crawl back into the warm bed with the Darlin' Hubby. Do you think that happened? Nope. It didn't. Why - because it was Friday the 13th and my J (my main consumer that's female) decided "Nope - I'm just going to sleep today". And boy did she. There's outside construction going on - lots and LOTS of banging and typically she's a light sleeper, but not that day. She slept from 8a-3p with very little waking periods in between. I changed her and fed her and she slept pretty much through it. I FINISHED MY BOOK TONIGHT! (Review to come)

Today - J was awake and smiling when I got here. [insert sigh of relief for me and her mom here after the way she was yesterday]. Everyone else had dibbs on the shower so we dressed in clean pj's and went to the den to veg in front of the big screen. She just loves watching TV. Halfway through a movie she went to sleep all stretched out in the recliner. It's soooo cute. I snapped a pic - but will have to get J's moms permission before I share any pics of her with y'all.

There are days when I wonder about J's quality of life - or if she even has any. 14 with the function and comp of an infant about six months old (at the best). But my gosh, if I don't adore her. Enough silly-ness and I get a smile or a coo that just makes even the grumpiest of days seem brighter. Then I look back and realize - she's improved MY quality of life and others around her by having the J personality that she does have. Even now as she sleeps, I have to say that the least little movement or odd sound and my head comes up and I'm watching her, posed and ready to set the laptop aside and make sure she's okay or at least comfortable.

She makes me remember that I'm blessed, even on my worst of days. Last night as I was dragging my right side along with the rest of me and started to complain, J flashed in my mind and my mouth shut and I kept on trucking. It would be so ... easier to just lie down, hide under the covers and not face the world or it's looming issues. But then, if I do that - who will make sure CM doesn't have withdrawl from lack of cookies? Who will get a special smile from J? Who will smile in the knowledge of being loved by My Darlin' husband - who's come to the voiced realization that he misses me when I'm not there. Who will call my Sisi at horridly early hours just to chat? Who will adore my parents for being my parents? I'm sure that others would in time, step up to each plate and fill in... but it wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be me. I may not always be what is best, but I am me... and thats something.

So tell me... what improves your quality of life?

How do you improve the quality of other's lives?

Friday Morning Yummies

2006-10-06T12:16:00.000-05:00

Mini Monkey Bites - with and without whipped cream

These are yummy - and can be adjusted based on how much spice you like or dislike. Myself - I like a lot - others, not so much.

Can of biscuts (buttery flaky work best or your own from scratch)
cut biscut dough into 1/4

3 T butter (melted in a small dish)
2 T cinnamon & 1/2 t cloves & Nutmeg & Allspice
(mixed in a second small dish)

dip 1/4 pieces into butter then into spice mix

place in a greased baking dish -squash them together so that they have to be pulled appart later

bake at 375 for 10-15 minutes (depending on how crunchy you want 'em)

Remove from baking dish right away to cool

top with a dollop of whipped cream (optional)

ENJOY with your favorite tea or coffee

WCB # 70

2006-10-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

Maggie and Haley were perched on the back of the couch while I was talking to Heather earlier this week. Maggie determined to find out what the devil that beast was attached to my ear was, took the cell away from me and tried to "kill" it.

I've taken to keeping my camera handy (now that it's working) so that I can save candid moments like this. I know that the hosts are looking for "cat in the box" type pics... but this was too cute to not share.

Happy weekend all!

Tests and Revelations shared

2006-10-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

The day came and went yesterday - appointment day. It went as I expected and not as I expected. I knew he would say that birth control is a no-no. I figured he would say that for Robert and I to get pregnant "naturally" would be a risk. I mean seriously, what doctor in their right mind with my history would say "yeah- sure- go for it"... sign their name to the approval and all. None but quacks spring to mind. He mentioned anticardiolpin... a term I'd not heard in a few years. It was mentioned once, upon a time, that I should be tested for it. Insurance and jobs changed and I forgot the medical term... until the doctor mentioned it in his office.

He had me do the normal checks for residuals... hold your hands out in front of you-palms up and close your eyes. A typical person will be able to hold 'em both up without a problem. Not so the case for me. I couldn't - no matter how hard I tried, keep my hands palm up, outstretch and my eyes closed all at the same time without my right arm drifting (it was at my waist before he called quits and that was only a few seconds in) downward. Push and pull against his hands... again showed a noticable decrease of ability on the right. Walking... slight shuffle on the right... lack of balancing ability when asked to stand on just the right leg... or walk toe-to-heel. All these small things... little things you might be telling yourself (and trust me, I'm trying to convince myself they are little too) add up. They scream "residual impairment" with the largest font available in the most horrid of color choice. And believe it or not - Tuesday was a GOOD day. Makes me wonder what his reaction had been like if it'd been a bad day.

So... he ordered my records from my hospital visit in Texas when I had the stroke .. and ordered a mass of blood tests. I don't recall ever having that much blood drawn at once before. He's run a Lupus anticogulant panel, a check for the anticardiolpin antibody, a current Sed Rate, a PTT, Protime, ANA and the Titer PRN ANA and your basic CBC.

According to the agreement made with Robert... I'm not going to look up all the tests and stress myself out. Is it stressing me to not know what, in my blood, the doctor is looking for - yes.

However, if you are curious - this link is a search engine that gives the run down on the tests. PLEASE do not comment about the test specifics to me... if you do - I can not and will not protect you from the protective-Robert-backlash you will face.

But I have to wonder, if maybe hubby is right and if I know the specifics, I'll worry more and start looking at my symptoms and going "what if" and "oh my God..." worse than I already am.

What I do know is ... last night when the talking about it and the tears finally came, he held me... told me it was okay to cry and didn't judge me for it. Other than Heather, no one else has ever done that.

So... Heather - this is to you.

I wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the wasted time we've lost and for the times I don't tell you how very important you are to me and how you've helped me heal and grow and feel loved.

I haven't told you nearly enough how I admire your strength and courage. I know that somedays it's a challenge to open your eyes, much less to get out of bed and deal with the rugrats.

I hope you can forgive me for not being a better friend and sister.

and by all that is above and below - I pray you know that I love you because I do... more.

". . . His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
and to those who have no might, He increases strength."
~Iasiah 40: 28c & 29~

Orange Day with pretty evening shots

2006-09-29T19:14:00.000-05:00

I just love days like this. Where it's crisp and cool in the mornings and evenings. Days when I need to break into my sock drawer and when I actually don't complain about wearing shoes. Yes, I admit it, I'm a shoe-hater. I take them off as soon as I come through the door and they are the very last thing I put on before walking out the door. Though, I have found a pair of backless tennies that just make everyone cringe. They are BRIGHT ORANGE.

Yup... orange. I like the color. Shocking to those who knew me back in my interpreter days where I would wear black because it made me smile. I still smile over black - what? It's classic, comfy and dressy at the same time. But recently, I've fallen in love with orange. The brighter the better.

Just so you know I'm not pulling your legs... here is a snap shot of the shoes. lol

So, yeah.. those are my shoes. I love 'em. Easy on and Oh-so-easy off! Told you they were bright orange. They don't go with much. But I swear they match the orange thread that my jeans are sewn with PERFECTLY... so I'm always matching with my jeans.

Take that "What not to wear" - I match. Muwahaha!

No.. I'm not off my rocker - just sleep deprived and not feeling well.

Did I say yet that I love it when you can see the moon during the closing of the day?

*****

A special thank you to all who stop by and take the time to read and comment.

Write - its okay - just do it

2006-09-28T18:10:00.000-05:00

Writing a Book - In One Hit!

I want to encourage any writers out there to have a go at writing a book. Much is said about the time, commitment and inspiration required to do this. Articles about authors who have spent years sweating over their manuscripts (with good and bad results) can be slightly off putting.

Who wants to hear that after 5-years of writing you might end up with zip all and a dusty pile of papers sitting under your bed. I’m not saying that it’s easy to get a book published, that goes without saying, but I would like to stress that writing a book can be easier than people want us to believe.

You may not be a fan of Stephen King, but he can write a book in less than two weeks. But it’s Stephen King. Point taken, but there is no reason why you can’t get a good book done in a short space of time, especially, if you have already started writing for a living.I think it’s one of life’s best-kept secrets. Make it sound hard and people will be put off doing it. Bag of crap I say.

Think about it.How many times have you thought about writing a novel and then been put off because; a) You don’t think you can write well enoughb) You don’t have the timec) You have to be a great writer to botherd) You have no inspiratione) You have no idea what to write about f) It would be too personal and people would know too much about youg) You don’t want to end up like those people you avoid at a party, who can’t stop going on about the book they’ve writtenh) You only want to write it if you can be sure of getting an agent and getting it published.

But think of it like this, the faster you write your first book, the less time you will have wasted if it doesn’t work out. Rejection hurts more if you have spent years working on something, feels a hell-of-a-lot better if, let’s say, it only took you five weeks.

The average novel is about 300-pages, loosely translated that’s about 300-words a page (if you lay out the manuscript according to whatever rules for manuscript layout are out there) so that’s about 90,000-words. How many of us have had to write a thousand word piece to deadline? How about that two thousand-word piece they wanted by Monday? Get my point? But this time when you are writing, it’s not to deadline, there are no constraints to style and content and no one is going to see it.

Try and write two thousand words about anything you like and you will see how quickly you can do it. Now try a few more on top of that. I bet all of you could come out with five or six thousand words over one day of the weekend.

Here comes the point, at last.

5,000 in one-day equals 90,000 in eighteen days.

Many of you will say, but I can’t possibly write 5,000 words in one day.

Okay, try 2,000 words - we agreed that most of us have written that many words on deadline.

So, 2,000 a day for forty-five days is – BINGO – 90,000 words.

Sounds obvious because it is. Now imagine you put the whole weekend aside, let’s say 5,000 words in a weekend – that’s eighteen weekends.

How about setting time aside and doing it one hit?

That’s right! One big hit.

2,500 words a day - 90,000 words in?

45 days. We agreed that we do that all the time for deadlines. T

his is free style, no need to edit or think too much, just write. Believe me on some days you will knock out 5,000 words in a day. That's 90,000 words in eighteen days. You do the math.

So you see it can be done. I think a first book should be done quickly, it’s like pulling off a plaster. Once you have written the first, you will be so delighted, that writing a second one will seem like child’s play.

Ever hear of writers who don’t get published until their third or fourth attempt. Well, your first attempt will be done and that’s great news! Once those 90,000 words are on paper, editing it will feel like fun, sending to agents will be great and the good news the rejections will seem far less painful than if you had spent years honing this unknown beast.

( found at Zone A's blogspot)

'Nessa

2006-09-27T09:15:00.000-05:00

Variegated Ivy

" 'Nessa "

Good morning. Well, let me take that "good" part back. It is simply a morning. As usual with Robert's new schuedule, I've been staying up tooooooo late.

It was after 1:30 in the am before we finally even thought about going to bed. Since I have be at work at 7:30 in the morning, waking at 6:45 on a "sleep in" day... I have a wonderful 'I'm tired' headache. Rather than snuggle up with my husband, who is happily sleeping, with covers tucked all around, I'm at the keys. Why you may ask... one word is my answer: insomnia.

Who knew you could have it in the day time too. I did try to lay back down. It was too hot. I couldn't get comfortable. Cats came to visit. Pick your reason... all of them were mine this morning. So... I did what most people of the generation do when you can't sleep - I got online.

The great thing about doing that is I got to talk to my Heather (link to her blog is on the side). She is always posting up various pictures of all sorts of things and well, I'm joining the band wagon. Since moving I don't have all that many plants anymore. What I had when I was in Texas I gave away, to what I hoped was loving homes, in attempt to not be a plant-murderer. I took with me only Daryl (My mini violet - I'll do a pic of her later). Joining the 'family' is 'Nessa. Named after my mother in law (mom) -who gave it to me.

So, mom - this one's for you. May you all have a blessed day.

Weekend Cat Blogging

2006-09-24T17:34:00.000-05:00

KILL THE FEATHER

The grey racoon-ish one is Haley - that's Robert's cat.
The white and calico one is Maggie - she's my cat.

Attention Cat Lovers!

This Is Weekend Cat Blogging #68!

Chef Sarah Jane has all the links to this week's kitties.

Thanks Sarah for Hosting!

Their stories were once sad but now happy.

Haley I rescued from the local Loves on our one month anniversary. I'd seen her there that morning and she was still there when my roomie and I went back later that night for sodas. She was apparently quite talkative and had a purple and white flea collar on - so I just knew that someone dumped her. I couldn't resist... Robert and I had talked about getting a kitten and here was one that just needed a home. As you can see - I took her home. She was thin, very sluggish but interested in seeing what was what. A quick trip to wal-mart and a digging out of the littermaid and we were set to be "cat parents". We even bought Haley a pretty red collar (we still don't know where she killed that collar at - we haven't been able to find it in weeks). A trip to the vet and she was given a good bill of health (other than ear mites) and given her first shots. Boy ... she was kinda itchy about those. Yet, we'd promised her on the ride over if she was good - she could roam the Camaro on the way home. She was ... so she did. She discovered she likes the back flap above the trunk in the sun and window. She still likes windows. She does not, however, like baths. We had a fun time naming her though. Going through this that and the other until we settled on just the right one.

Maggie is a different story all together. Our roomie's sister's cat had a litter and we were going to get one of them. The two that we liked didn't make it so we decided to go a different route. On a whim, I went by a shelter and found this tiny white and calico kitten. She has calico wings on either side of her spine right at her shoulder blades, I was in love with a kitty, so I adopted her and brought her home. The shelter said she was two months old. If she was 4 weeks I'd be surprised. She and Haley had a come to Jesus meeting not shortly after coming in the door and Haley made it known that SHE was here first... and Maggie could stay too... so long as she understood the pecking order. Here we were thinking that Haley was being all tough - that is until a couple of days later when Robert walked in on Haley nursing Maggie in the middle of our bed. I don't know who was more shocked, him for walking in on it - or Haley caught being extra nice to Maggie.

They are now fast friends (Maggie still nurses when Haley lets her) and Maggie is slowly but surely learning that claws and "dad" don't mix well and that trying to drink dishwater gets you soaked. Sokay, Haley learned that if you try to drink out of the toliet, the lid gets put down on your paws... or you get bumped into the water (relax - it had just been flushed and we now keep the lid down allllll the time).

I bought them this feather toy and my gosh... even Haley (who normally does not play much) will go to town on it. They stalked and pitched it from the kitchen up into the chair and I just had to get a picture of their newest game of "Kill the Feather".

Blessed Be.

What I learned from a Custom Breyer

2006-09-23T18:15:00.000-05:00

I'm a collector of Breyer horses. I currently own... ten and have I think four more on the way. I got the Breyer bug from Heather. (Thanks!) She, today, showed me a custom site and I wanted to share the one that I liked most. I think I like this carefree, colorfull and yet purposed one the most because it reminds me of so many things.

It reminds me that life changes, deal with it and pick up another color

people change, accept that, do some change of your own and keep learning

the way you think will change and trust me that's a good thing - we all used to think that a jar of baby food was damn good stuff

we, as a peole have to be moving or we break down
this little horse...and my messed up texan family reminded me of this

DRASTIC CHANGE OF SUBJECT

My little brother is an alcholic. Self-admited, wants to do AA but isn't allowed to (according to him) because he and his CO are drinkin buddies. Not sure how much I believe the drunken ramblings of my "I can lie right to your face" little brother. But he is my little brother. I have always tried so hard to protect him. Have been hurt in his place - because it was nothing I hadn't experienced before so what was one... or three more people to add to my list of molesters and rapist at the not-so-tender age of 11? My little brothers wife has decided that she likes our cousin better and since he's here and my little brother (kid) is over in Korea doing a service to this country... well... she was lonely. And now their twin sons, my nephews, are calling my cousin "daddy". As if my little brother needed a reason to drink... well hell... I just listed some of the top five right there. If I were a drinking person, I'd be neck deep in a bottle too. I'm not saying it's right.

I fell into the bottle myself, when I was married. It made me numb and I didn't have to think as much. I certainly didn't have to feel. But that kind of shit was not allowed at Heather's and I wasn't about to allow her boys to think it was the right way to deal with things. So ... I went from drinking about a gallon a day to nothing but sodas. I don't think she even knew all of what I was going through when I came to live with her and the boys I love so dearly. She knew I'd been terribly abused by my first husband... had two miscarriages with him (one because of natural causes and one because of ex-husband causes) and smoked when I twitched too bad to not. How I craved for that drink. The welcoming fuzz and the warmth.

With the depressive slump I've been in the last week... two weeks... I find myself wishing for a drink. For that familar fuzz and warmth. Then I think of how Kid is... and how disappointed my husband would be with me. How warm and fuzzy he makes me feel... and I don't even bring the stuff into my house. Not to mention it screws up my already screwed up blood pressure.

All the mess with my little brother, who I raised from the time we adopted him until he moved with mom and dad to VA... I'm to "stay out of it". How am I to stay out of it when he im's me... wanting someone to talk to, needing someone? There again, is it really my problem to take on? Honestly, what can I do? I've told him what he already knows. Repeated what he's told me back to him in my best psych impression... and I pray for him. He knows the steps to take, he knows he needs to be a man, not hide in a bottle. I've told him I know he can do it. The same things (different gender) that he told me ... three years ago when he found out that my first husband was abusing me. He said his peice... often... but didn't really try to help. There was nothing really for him to do but be there for me, remind me that he was proud of me... that I could be and do better. Between him and my husband, my sister and a few others, I finally took that to heart. But that was on my own terms, in my own time. I'll be there for him... listen and tell him what he already knows and pray... but I can do nothing else. The rest is up to him... in his terms... on his time.

CareBear Quiz

2006-09-22T18:05:00.000-05:00

Do y'all remember the original era of carebears? I do... I used to have them. Since I saw Heather's quiz, it got me looking for more. Saw this one and well, it was overly simple but surprisingly, it fits. Enjoy!

Yes - I'm feeling better... but I will be feeling amazing when I get my prescription filled and my employer gets my paycheck right -which will be next week. On a positive note - WOOT! my first car payment was made today. Hey - I look at it as a milestone. You got yours, I got mine.

Take the quiz:
Which CareBear Are You???

Harmony Bear
Harmony Bear helps others get along. This peace-loving bear knows our differences are something to be celebrated, not something to keep us apart. When differences are brought together in harmony they create something beautiful. That's the meaning of her symbola smiling flower with different colored petals.

QUIZ

2006-09-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

Fun Quiz #1
1. Name: Angeline - but I go by Ang or Angie
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? yes, a very strong willed woman my mom went to school with
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? while typing and publishing my previous post
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Most of the time, yes
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roasted chicken breast
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? ..................... no
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Without a doubt
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? yes, you are reading it
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? me? no. never.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope, lost 'em a long time ago, if you find 'em... no, I don't want 'em back
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? um let me think about that for a second..... NO
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? not if I can help it
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I try to be... but I don't always feel like I am
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? vanilla... add the right things and it can be anything
16. SHOE SIZE? 11
17. RED OR PINK? (this answer is all my wedding dress' fault) Pink
18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? feeling blah - like I do now
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? .... my pawpaw
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? uhm... since it's on a blog... can it be sent back? I mean - I copied and pasted mine... and yes, I'll comment and let her know I did it
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue jeans that need replaced badly and no shoes (the come off first thing!)
22. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? a cheese slice at work - I'm not feeling very hungry right now
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? being as I'm hard of hearing - I'm not listening to anything. I can just barely make out the clack of the keys and I sometimes have to wonder if I really hear them or if I just know they are there and it's like working offline
24 IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? daisy yellow- I want to be bright and happy
25. FAVORITE SMELL? my husband - after a shower (he uses Axe - okay.. blushing now)
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? my mom-in-law
27.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? how they feel when I shake their hand
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? uhm... I adore the lady who's blog I got this off of... does that count?
29. FAVORITE DRINK? water - it's good anytime, anyday
30. FAVORITE SPORT? football
31. HAIR COLOR? brown with redish highlights
32. EYE COLOR? right now... lots of gold and very little green
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes - I'll never go back to glasses if I can help it
34. FAVORITE FOOD? chocolate
35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? both
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED. Covenant - gooooood movie
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? grey
39. HUGS OR KISSES? both
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? chocolate
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? depends on who sees it
42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? again - depends on who sees it
43. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Elizabeth Moon's The Deed of Paksenarrion (my husband is reading it to me)
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? an old globe print
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? anything - except screaming or violence
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Washington DC
49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I care -too much at times AND I'm an interpreter for the deaf ( I communicate with out saying a word)
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? December 31, 1977 in Cleveland, Texas

Dozen

2006-09-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Just a dozen more days until the appointment. I've finally admited to myself that I'm in a bit of a depressive slump. I don't want to get up in the mornings or go to sleep or do anything that I know needs or should be done around my house. I'm hardly saying anything to anyone unless it's nonsense chattering. Nothing of consequence. Nothing that outwardly says how unsettled I am at the moment. Maybe my husband was right; some things are just easier typed than said. Yet, fundamentally, I know that to be incorrect. Yes, easier, but not better, not right and it's flat out cowardice. Then again, what good is it to say out loud the fears in my head? Sadly, I don't know if I want the doctor to tell me that "No, it's not a good idea with your stroke history to try to have children, use hormone treatments and the like" or ... "It's all clear, no significant residual trauma noted and you can try to have children or take hormone treatments". To go from being told with no doubt that I could never have children after my procedure in 2005 to being pregnant and loosing the chance of having a little person that was part of me and part of my best friend and now husband. Right now I just don't know anything other than I want to not hurt for a while. Not hurt physically from the unending cramps and tension headaches and not hurt mentally from trying so hard to pretend that I'm not bothered by whats going on right now.

Okay... my tribute to my husband and mother in law....

Three positives and a negative in a positive light:

1. My husband got the promotion with the company that he wanted
2. I'm mending the bridge between myself and my "sister"
3. I'm honestly happy in my marriage

1- I'm scared, but at least I'm still alive to be scared

World of Warcraft

2006-09-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

Good morning all. While I've posted about 13 more days, I wanted to elaborate a little on my most recent gaming hobby. WoW. I have been brought over thanks to my husband, Cookie Monster and JT. Yep, they are all to blame for my waking up at 5:30 in the morning going "I bet there won't be any lag on WoW at this hour... and I can finish my quest and level up before work" - it's a sad state- but I will admit I love it.

For the Alliance!

http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/info/classes/bc-mage/talents.html?203051001000000000000055520001202303105013512030000000000000000000

I play a mage... I'm currently a level 29 HOWEVER - the above link is how I intend to fire spec my chara.

Fun and Blessed Gaming one and all!

13 More Days

2006-09-20T09:22:00.000-05:00

This week so far has been great. I was off Sunday and Monday. I was very lazy and played World of Warcraft and baked goodies for family and friends. Also a pepsi pork roast was made for much munchings. Tuesday I had a training class that was frankly a joke as I've done that class at least twice and could teach it without breaking a sweat. Eh.

Either way... its only 13 more days until my appointment. I've entered the "eh" stage where I'm rather non-caring about it as I've finally figured out that I can't do a thing about it anyway.

Hope everyone is having a good Wednesday.

Holy Cow II - 16 more days

2006-09-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

16 more days. Yesterday it was 17. Yeah - I'm keeping track - counting down and just trying to not stress over this too much. I have a nuerologist appointment Oct 3. A necessary step in the process. I have a list of questions for the doctor. Main two are this:
1: With my stroke history is hormone replacement safe?
(ie: birth control/ HRT's)
2: With my stroke history is it safe to attempt pregnancy?

With those two questions asked... it leads to a list of things to discuss and decide with my Darlin'. He's not real happy with my being in pain all the time - I know I'm not happy taking pain meds for it daily.

It has both of us scared - to say the least. It's that whole - pray for the best and plan for the worst. Right now - honestly other than feeling scared - I'm numb.

I really don't have anything else to say - maybe it will get better on count-down-day 15?

COOKIES

2006-09-16T08:48:00.000-05:00

It's a bit surprising what a small lump of sugar, flour, spice and other good stuffs can make so many people .... well - smile.

I've had this old Ice Box cookie recipe since my senior year - 10 years ago. Since then, I've added to it, played around and made several variations. My most recent - is what I call "ChocoCrasinSpice" Yeah... say that ten times fast ten times. :D

Now... the basic dough part... is all the same - what you add to it - is what changes it. Keep in mind though - this is an ice box cookie so the dough will need to be chilled before you can bake it.

Basic Ice Box Cookie

3/4 Cup butter (not oil)
1 Cup Sugar
2 teaspoons Vanilla
1 egg
2 Cups flour
2 teaspoons Baking Powder
----------------------------------

ChocoCrasinSpice Cookie

3/4 Cup Butter
1 Cup Sugar
3 teaspoons Vanilla
2 eggs
3 Cups Flour
2 1/2 teaspoons Baking Powder
3 teaspoons ground Cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground Cloves
1 teaspoon ground Nutmeg
1 bag Crasins
1 bag white chocolate chips

Cream butter, sugar and vanilla. Add eggs to cream and blend well. Combine spice in a small dish- mixing well. Add mixed spices to creamed mixture. Combine Baking Powder and Flour - mixing well. Add flour mixture to creamed mixture to make the dough. Add crasins - mixing well into dough. Add chocolate chips - mixing well into dough. Cover bowl and chill for a minimum of 2 hours - best if chilled overnight (6-8 hours).
If you want, you can store cookie dough rolled in a log shape in freezer in wax paper.

To cook 'em

preheat over to 350

If you are dipping out of the bowl - use a teaspoon & fashion into as close of a ball shape as possible then press down the middle.
( you don't want huge cookies - they will be raw in the middle and burned on the edges)

Cook for 8-10 minutes until puffy and slightly golden around the edges.

Cool on a wire rack for 3-5
(or burn your mouth eating one fresh from the oven)

Store in a plastic container
(if you leave them unstored- they get hard as hockey pucks)

ENJOY!

"HOLY COW" was the mutterings of the hour

2006-08-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

What a couple of weeks it's been.

School started back for the couples I work for who have disabled children and it's with a mixture of regret and "whew" that the "kiddos" are once again in a similar daily grind similar to the ones us adults have to face to put food on the table and gas in the car.

I had a rather interesting doctor's appointment a couple of weeks ago. The information I was given was shocking and scary to say the least. Let me start with some background info. I'm overweight, have been since puberty hit... I have three types of asthma (allergic, nonallergic and environmental), food allergies, medicinal allergies, enviornmental allergies, Endometriosis (treated with Lupron Depot - but recently giving me trouble again), Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, interstitial cystitis of the bladder, a survivor of a Pineal Tumor and its treatment (remission since 93! ), survivor of an acute stroke, recently married (july 12) and recently living in a new state doing a new job.... with two cats and a roommate. Can we say "Oh my gosh" yet? On top of all of that, this is my second marriage (first one ended because of an abusive husband). What else, oh yes, I've had three miscarriages. My first and third (most recent) miscarriage were because of of blighted ovums; while the second was because of my first husband decided he just didn't want to be a Father (most of the reason why he's now the "ex").

Now then, back to my point - rather my appointment with my new and local OBGYN. I've been on birthcontrol since my most recent miscarriage (after three of them... and all the risks, my new hubby just didn't want to worry right away)... and to keep my cylces "regular". The new doc (I just love my PA) took one look at my medical history (trust me - I just gave you the high points) and about had kittens over the fact that I was a stroke survivor and on birthcontrol. It's a big "NO-NO" apparently. Uncomfortable girly tests done and I was back in the doctors office ( I wasn't even supposed to see him that day - just the PA) and he comes in to have a "talk". Wanting to know our plans... to have kids or not to have kids - that was the question.

To me it was never any question - I want to be a mom... however, three miscarriages and a bad medical past... the doctor isn't sure my selfish desires are worth the risk. My new hubby is on the fence - he doesn't know if he wants kids and worries over the risk of loosing another baby, loosing me or either myself or baby ending up with more health issues. I was adopted so my thoughts immediately turned to adoption. HOLY COW is it expensive... so I looked at adopting foster children... again - not all that easy to do. Then I stumbled upon something that I initially thought would chill me to the bone... yet, I felt drawn to a site called "Happily Childfree" and just couldn't seem to stop reading. So many things I read were things I'd said as to reasons why I wanted to have kids and I wanted to share it with others who may be feeling like I do right now. Low and behold - I'm not limited to "risk it and try to 'naturally' have a child", adopt a little guy from someone or adopt from the foster system... I can be a family... a REAL FAMILY with just myself, my husband and our two cats and fish.

I can honestly say "I'm in the grieving stage"... just another step in the healing process.

I hope y'all have a great day.

~Ang

Married Life

2006-08-16T09:46:00.000-05:00

It's been a little over a month since I got married and my gosh, it's been an adventure. I can't remember a time when I was this happy for this long and while we've had our hills - it's safe to go up and down them.

I'm sorry to my few readers that there isn't more than this, but it's better than nothing.

:)

until the next time

~Ang

Life in Oklahoma

2006-04-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

Wow... how God works in amazingly mysterious ways. Just a few short weeks ago I was living misserably in Texas, trying to work myself to an early grave and now- I'm working in a job I adore and working 40 hours a week (at the very most).
On top of all of those changes- I've gotten engaged and plan to get married Mid-July.
As I've said before, I'm going to try to update and post more often.

Until the next time.

mini update

2006-03-13T11:50:00.000-06:00

Well... it's been far too long since I posted here. I guess it didn't help that I lost my password for a while and just now was able to reset it.

It's spring break... and vacation for me will be going to my Sisi's and playing with her boys for a week. I really am looking forward to it. I'm taking my camera and hopefully I'll come back with some cute pics.

Peace out y'all!

~Ang

2006-02-03T11:47:00.000-06:00

Okay y'all.... I'm sorry. I know I haven't posted here in a while... but considering how long it's been since I posted in my previous blog... I'm actually doing really good.

On the subject of my previous blog... here's the link to it - some interesting thoughts and poems there to behold.

Back to work!

Adios!

http://solohawk1.livejournal.com/

overview

2005-11-11T00:38:00.000-06:00

Well - what is there to say about this week. It's been one? My darlin' has pretty much had a week from hell - which like it or not, effects my mood and week. Mine's, honestly, just been blah. I simply can't wait for it to be over and done with and get into next week. Mind you, I'm working straight through to next week.

Being as I'm the interpreter for the speech and debate team - and we have a tournament this weekend - it translates to "tired fingers, eyes, mind and body" - it also translates to "nice christmas bonus". Coupled with the fact that I ADORE speech and debate and anything theatrically dramatic - it's heaven, even if it is quite tiring. Oh, alright, it's down right exhausting. But what is life's accomplishments if we spend all our time trying to keep from accomplishing something because we are afraid or unwilling to work hard for them? I don't know either - when someone finds out - y'all let me know.

anywho - what else - I got my new car today. Okay- so it's not 2006 new, but it's new to me and while it's not a v8 ram that growled like my truck was - it's a nice little car that won't cost me 75 whenever I want to refill my tank (which needed done every third/forth day). Instead the new car takes like 25 dollars and I'm good for a full two weeks.

Yeah - I'm way tired... nap time for me. Laters.

(The holiday traveling countdown is as follows:

1 more Friday -Saturday tournament
1 more day of sleeping all sunday
1 more monday of speech and debate
1 more tuesday of OAP rehersals
1 more wednesday of football practice
1 more thursday of OAP rehersals
1 more friday of taking "peaches" to Houston and borrowing her Bug
1 more Saturday of "family time" w/mom and dad and sister in law
1 more Sunday of going to FBCG with the family and getting my "hug fix"
1 more drive up to OK (where I really want to be) for my Thanksgiving break
1 interesting week with the potential "in laws" and meeting His friends
1 harder than hell goodbye on the Sunday after Thanksgiving when He has to go to work and I have to head home
1 more Monday and week to follow- to add to the list till the 16th of December

Bradley Hathaway

2005-11-08T07:29:00.000-06:00

There's this
fat
fat
lady on
da beach.

jiggle
roll
jiggle

one-piece-tie-dye-swimsuit

bouncing

round
and
round

she sets her things down
waddles up to the water
gets her shins wet

looks around
and smiles.

she goes back to her things
and sits down.

she begins to apply
sun tanning lotion to her body

yes this

fat

fat

lady on this beach
has the nerve
to apply sun tanning lotion

all over her
over-effecient thighs.

she is done

then sighs

she lays back

f
a
l
l
s
back

she closes her eyes
and begins to sunbathe

she is CONTENT

and don't care

SHE IS BEAUTIFUL
don't anyone dare

God's fixed

and his eyes stare...

"If only they all loved as that beauty there"

Big Things in Big Packages
by: Bradley Hathaway

a good end to a weird weekend

2005-11-06T23:34:00.000-06:00

Well... I am quite the happy camper today. I got a picture of my darlin' (finally) and I have to say, it's cute (it's other things but I'm underplaying it). He was trying to be all cool but the smile tells me that he totally let his buddy take the picture. :) It makes the weird weekend seem far away and not so bad.

No, I'm not sharing his pic - I don't have his permission (doubt he'd give it) but when I go up there for Thanksgiving I'll see what I can do for other pictures. Seeing as how neither of us are fans of pictures... it will be interesting to say the least.

Adios and goodnight!
~Ang

2005-11-03T22:48:00.000-06:00

Well... Varsity football for the mighty Vikings is over and done for yet another season. Our twin-city rivals beat us 9-6. Their three field goals (one of them was a 52yrds) were all it took to stop our one touch down and bad-snap-no-good-extra-point.
We played hard and were INCHES from goal line twice- almost there... then again, almost counts only (as my b/f says) in hand grenades and horseshoes. Our D-Line held 'em and kept them from getting even a single TD. (YEY D-LINE!)
Never the less, I enjoyed the game from the sidelines and was once again lucky and didn't get trampled while down there. I was however, I'm shamed to say - on Kyle Field (insert hissing sound here folks)... which is the rival Field of UT... (insert cheers and "HOOK 'em HORNS cheers here).
Just the same... I took a few minutes before the game and ambled up to the VIP Booth (hey.. my terp pass let me go up there!) and enjoyed the TOP FLOOR seats and view (for all of two minutes - which was long enough to snap a pic on my Treo and now I'm sharing it with you.

So... that is the field I got to work and watch the game on. Probably the only time I'd be happy about being on the "HOME" side of Kyle Field. Unless of course the Ags want to hire me as a terp for their football team then I will swallow my pride and wear the aTm insignia. Just don't ask me for cash... it stands for Texas A&M not ATM. ;)

Just don't tell my dad or my pastor- they will disown me- both are fanantics about UT- LOL

No - I'm not a die-hard football fanatic. I don't paint myself orange or attend/watch every game but I am colorful about my UT clothing when I'm intentionally going into Aggieland. What can I say... I'm just "cute" that way? There are several of us HORNS in the sea of marroon and white.

On to the next pic... a bit of update. Since the photo on my profile is quite old (from Nov 03) I figured I'd update (finally). It's not the best, but oh well. It's recent. It's real and it's as good as it gets at this time of night.

On that jolly note - G'nite!

notice

2005-10-19T19:13:00.000-05:00

I've put up some back dated things... poems, blog notes from another place I used to post on... so please check archives if you are looking for new things.

Thx.

Ang

Eye of the Beholder

2005-10-19T19:09:00.000-05:00

When two hearts touch and collide as one,
Space, distance and number of miles no longer matter.
Rather, they become the path to happiness.
A struggle one must take,
For the feeling of completeness,
And for finally being whole.
For now, meeting in the mind is a blessing,
Imagining the times to come.
Knowing what might be,
Is fading into the edges of what truly is.
Confident in the fact that dreams,
Can become truth.
Close your eyes and take a deep breath.
Which eye opens first?
The one filled with hope and faith?
Or the one clouded by doubt and questions?
Brush the clouds away.
For when you do,
You will see.
You will see love.
Painful at times.
But real.

being sick sucks

2005-10-18T22:02:00.000-05:00

Once again I'm under the weather. I'm thinking that part of it is due to exhaustion. Another part of it is eating chicken that sat too long at the Speech & Debate tournament that I went to a few days ago. I was fine until then. Heck -I even went home sick from work - which I normally NEVER do... and am going to miss yet another day of work tomorrow. To those that know me best, know that I don't like even the idea of leaving my students in the lurch... so must not be doing well at all to stay home and "leave 'em hanging". ::le sigh::

Is it Sunday Yet?

2005-10-04T23:48:00.000-05:00

Some people crave Fridays... when the "work week" is over. HA! Friday isn't the ending point for me. Saturday afternoon and sometimes Saturday evening is the quitting time for me. You'd think being that I work in education, I'd get the entire weekend to recoup and rest up. Again - not the case for me. I can't complain too badly though, the extra work is something that I asked for - not to mention it's something I need so that I can have a bit of extra money for little things like... gas in my car (to go back and forth to work) and food (to eat on my way to and from work). Can you tell yet that my life revolves around my work?

Once work is over, my life revolving goes another way... mainly around a group of persons, a few in particular. One of whom I got the pleasure of speaking to- which did my heart and peace-of-mind rather good. Person one, "Mule" or Heather, was at a "me time" thingy so I didn't get to talk to her. The 'rents... well, I talked to them and all is well on their home front - they have power: yey!. Third person on my top three list... is neither last nor is he least... he'd be the one that did my heart some good this evening.

I know this was completely out of the blue - but such is insomniac postings.

~Ang

snooze?

2005-10-03T06:47:00.000-05:00

I so did not want to get out of bed this morning. Here it is, 645... I don't have to be at work until 8am... and it only takes me 15 minutes to get there... boy oh boy am I considering going back to bed for a good 15-20 minutes. Hmmm... to snooze or not to snooze :that is the question of the morning.

2005-10-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

I got this in my work email and thought it darn funny

I hope you enjoy!

another work in progress

2005-10-01T14:54:00.000-05:00

In this darkened life, I've found a light. A light that finally makes me feel safe, comforted, loved and even a little challenged at times. Equally, there is a longing to see you feel the same. I do not want to be your leader, nor do I want to be lead. Rather, I want the ability to walk beside you. My words and my promises are just that, until they are backed up with the everyday actions of real life. Not even my lifetime, from this moment on, would be enough by half to accomplish with you, all the things I want to. Yet, I want to spend the time that we are given, trying to do just that.

Do you know?

2005-09-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

Do you know what it's like to miss someone
right afer you leave from their presence,
Racking your mind for any excuse
to not say "goodbye"?

Do you know what it's like to feel
all your worries slip away,
Forgotten,
With just a simple "hello"
and the rich way their voice sounds
in your ear?

Do you know what it's like to want to know
the silliest of things,
like how their towels are folded,
or if the radio in the car is turned down,
when looking for some new location,
and the not knowing,
keeps you frustratedly smiling?

Do you know what it's like to finally
feel like you can trust someone,
tell them you love them and not be afraid of the words,
or the reaction, knowing that you want to trust that person,
and realizing you have been reminded,
loving someone, isn't so bad,
especially when they love you back?

To Know...

2005-09-24T18:31:00.000-05:00

To know this heart of mine,
the way it pounds,
the manner in which it speaks;
is to know the real me.

To know the quiet
and scared person
I can be,
who is comforted by
just the sound of your voice.

To know that I am
in heaven
whenever I hear you smile
when we talk.

To know that my love
is without limits
or boundaries
is to see just
the first side
of my feelings.

To know the smallest
and largest
of my secrets
and not despise
or hate me
for them
is to be my true friend.

To know this strong
and opinionated woman
can be quiet
and just listen,
even if it's just
to your breathing;
that my whole world
is better.

To know me
takes time
and a desire
and you have shown
the desire
to know me by the time
you spend with me.

If you had
any glimmer of doubt
now you know
I love you.

Weathering Rita

2005-09-24T10:43:00.000-05:00

Originally Huricane Rita was set to slam right into where I live. My parents were in the direct line of fire so they and my grandmother evacuated to my place. Not so bad, other than my place wasn't where I wanted to be. I had an ever so much nicer and safer place to run to. Running to that person and that place would have been very nice. Turns out that Rita turned right a bit and we have yet to get any rain but we've gotten some wind. My youngest sister in law and her family ran to the right and are right in the middle of Rita's current path. I have yet to hear news on either of my brothers. One is in Basic Training in Georgia, while the other is living with his family in Florida. I hope both of them are safe.

I got my first letter from my little brother (hence forth to be refered to as "Kid") Thursday. He and I are closer than myself and my older brother are. He's going through paratrouper infantry training as we speak. Being in the military is all he's ever wanted to do with his life and I wish him the best of luck with it. My older brother (Flea - he was always the short one in the crowd), he's always wanted to work on and with computers, he's doing his dream too. I'm half-way doing mine.

My working dream is to teach. I used to think I'd want to teach the deaf in the public school setting but the longer I'm in the field the more I wonder if that really is the life I want. I adore interpreting and while I love teaching, in secondary education you can only do so much. There again, you still have the time and opportunity to help someone in their life. I've always been the one to take care of everyone else and be the solid one. So the times that I let my walls down and show someone my weaknesses means I have a great deal of trust in them.

I'm really just in a rambling mood this morning. I still feel out of sorts and without my focus. I think I'll go make some phone calls.

simple words - their meanings - what they mean to me

2005-09-21T02:11:00.000-05:00

Taste: to perceive or recognize as if by the sense of taste - I’m sure that you taste delectable.”

Lick: to draw the tongue over - "It is always best to start by licking...”

Kiss: to touch with the lips, especially as a mark of affection - "I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be kissed by someone who sees the real me.”

Lust: an intense longing - "I lust after your touch, which I have yet to experience.”

Seduction: something that attracts or charms - "Seduction is a time consuming adventure."

Study: to take in detail : especially with the intention of learing - "It is wise to study whom you care for."

Relationship: connecting or binding participants in a romantic or passionate attachment - "I want to have a stronger relationship with you, one that will withstand the tests to come."

Process: a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result -"This process must be handled delicately and without hurry.”

Show: to point out : direct attention to - "Sometimes an individual has to show and tell the object of their affections how much they really mean to them.”

Trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something : one in which confidence is placed - "In you, I've placed my trust and my heart, both quite willingly and without hesitation."

Love: strong affection for another : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern - "I love you."

Commitment: an act of trust : something pledged - "My commitment is to us."

Friend: a favored companion - "I want to spend the rest of my life with my friend."

Genuine: free from pretense or hypocrisy; sincere - "Every word and thought that I have put down tonight, and the thoughts to come, are genuine.”

What a great two days - stomach flu not withstanding

2005-09-20T23:10:00.000-05:00

Well... I've been home sick the last two days from work with the stomach flu. So between that and walking all over the high school after my students and during football, eating better and doing yoga twice a week.

Boy oh boy did it help, I've lost just under 30 lbs in about 6 weeks. Next payday I'm going to start the serious part of my diet and kick out all dairy and sugar products and cut way back on the carbs. I've done this kind of eating before because of my food allergies and found that I felt better and was healthier once all the toxins were out of my system. It's something I got away from the last few months as I was just to lazy to commit to it. I'm tired of being lazy, it's my life, my body and only I can make myself do it.

Let's see what else I've been doing that I haven't done in ages... I'm drawing and writing again. I've turned down a date-date and with good reason. At least I hope it is a good reason. :)

I'm getting tired so I'm off to bed - more to come later.

A letter - unfinished

2005-09-17T05:40:00.000-05:00

A letter he probably will not read

Nothing in my life has been easy. From even the time before I graced this earth, I was no stranger to trials and tests of strength. I've been told all my life that there were no promises of tomorrow, just the hope for one more day with those you love and who love you. Things a person, much less a child, should never go through, were common place in my younger years. I did not use the 'bad times' as an excuse to hate or become cold in heart.

How to be strong and to not give up at the first sign of trouble or rough waters; I have my mom to thank for that. The courage to trust my own judgment (eventually) and my God-given right to protect myself and to be free to be me, for that; I have my 'sisi' to thank. The knowing; that someone, not in my heart since childhood, can love me for me; as "blonde" as I get sometimes that; for that I have my 'darlin' to thank.

I don't want the easy, flat and boring sides of life and of love; because those are not real. I want the real - all of it. The hard times, the quiet times, the content and comfortable times along with the times around and in between those. I want the disagreements over stupid things; things so stupid, that looking back, I don't even know what it was in the first place. I want to keep the ability to tell the important people in my life when they are being an ass and when they are being brilliant and when they are loved.

"Darlin", you are one of three persons who cares enough, to be so honest, as to tell me when I'm being an ass, brilliant (yes, it happens sometimes) or loved. For knowing me such a short time, you make me feel safe enough to be me, most of the time. I can tell you my fears, my joys, my sorrows, my heartaches, my hopes and most importantly; my tears. I always hid my tears, terrified to let them be real or seen by someone else, worried they would view me as weak and unable. The important people in my life, while they don't like the tears and worry when they fall; they allow the tears to fall and do not judge me too harshly for them or the reasons behind them.

(( To be continued when I'm not nodding off while typing))

Poema

2005-09-16T23:52:00.000-05:00

Who is this sister of Lee and Jonathan?
Who is this daughter of Doug and Cathy?
Who is this one that loves all things Deaf, her family and those "important people in 'my' life"?
Who is this woman who feels kept on the outside of so many things and people?
Who needs more hours in the day to spend time with the "important people"?
Who gives so much of herself to everyone else, that there is little to none left over for herself?
Who is she that fears life repeating itself yet refuses to let that fear rule her choices?
Who is the woman who would like to see the "important people" more often, if not daily and Alaska too?
Who knows about the one who shares her life and time with persons of all kinds, even the ones no one else likes?
Who is she that is simple and so complex at the same time?
Who is a resident of her own prisions with manacles of dreams, hopes and fears?
Who is she that she looks through faded and cracked rose colored glasses, mostly seeing what is real, rather than what the masses see?

Ang's little blog spot

2005-09-16T01:57:00.000-05:00

Wow... today has been quite the day.

I got my notice in the mail that I passed my BEI certification test that I took this summer. I knew that I probably had passed but it'd been a trying morning so I wasn't 100% sure. I've been smiling all day. Mom knew before I did which I don't mind at all. I called my ... "darlin' " second.. and my sisi third. I figured she'd be at work and that I'd catch her machine... so was pleased to actually get the few minutes to say hi and share the good news.

Okay... sleepy now.

The End for now.

~Ang

My first entry

2005-09-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

Well, lookie there... my own little blog spot. All mine! [smiles worse than a cheshire cat] Really, I'm quite sane, just over worked and over tired.

At this point, I'm too tired to add anything else.

Blessed be.

~Ang

Anguish

2003-06-10T12:11:00.000-05:00

A stab if anguish, a dagger of bitterness,
Painful thoughts, horrid emotions,
Pressing hard against chest and heart,
Feelings of betrayal and mistrust.
Who can you count on?
Who will stand by you at all times?
Trials and hellish times show
With flying colors of blue tears,
Black thoughts, red hazes of anger,
And gray thoughts of the next day.
Who can you count on?
Who will stand by you at all times?
Shadows and darkness curl at your feet,
In your mind, around your heart,
Threatening to put out any good,
Any bright and pleasant things you have.
Who can you count on?
Who will stand by you at all times?
In the least expected moment,
In the slightest act of instinct,
At the worst time possible,
It all becomes clear just exactly,
Who you can count on, and
Who will stand by you at all times.