A letter - unfinished

A letter he probably will not read


Nothing in my life has been easy. From even the time before I graced this earth, I was no stranger to trials and tests of strength. I've been told all my life that there were no promises of tomorrow, just the hope for one more day with those you love and who love you. Things a person, much less a child, should never go through, were common place in my younger years. I did not use the 'bad times' as an excuse to hate or become cold in heart.

How to be strong and to not give up at the first sign of trouble or rough waters; I have my mom to thank for that. The courage to trust my own judgment (eventually) and my God-given right to protect myself and to be free to be me, for that; I have my 'sisi' to thank. The knowing; that someone, not in my heart since childhood, can love me for me; as "blonde" as I get sometimes that; for that I have my 'darlin' to thank.

I don't want the easy, flat and boring sides of life and of love; because those are not real. I want the real - all of it. The hard times, the quiet times, the content and comfortable times along with the times around and in between those. I want the disagreements over stupid things; things so stupid, that looking back, I don't even know what it was in the first place. I want to keep the ability to tell the important people in my life when they are being an ass and when they are being brilliant and when they are loved.

"Darlin", you are one of three persons who cares enough, to be so honest, as to tell me when I'm being an ass, brilliant (yes, it happens sometimes) or loved. For knowing me such a short time, you make me feel safe enough to be me, most of the time. I can tell you my fears, my joys, my sorrows, my heartaches, my hopes and most importantly; my tears. I always hid my tears, terrified to let them be real or seen by someone else, worried they would view me as weak and unable. The important people in my life, while they don't like the tears and worry when they fall; they allow the tears to fall and do not judge me too harshly for them or the reasons behind them.


(( To be continued when I'm not nodding off while typing))