Dozen

Just a dozen more days until the appointment. I've finally admited to myself that I'm in a bit of a depressive slump. I don't want to get up in the mornings or go to sleep or do anything that I know needs or should be done around my house. I'm hardly saying anything to anyone unless it's nonsense chattering. Nothing of consequence. Nothing that outwardly says how unsettled I am at the moment. Maybe my husband was right; some things are just easier typed than said. Yet, fundamentally, I know that to be incorrect. Yes, easier, but not better, not right and it's flat out cowardice. Then again, what good is it to say out loud the fears in my head? Sadly, I don't know if I want the doctor to tell me that "No, it's not a good idea with your stroke history to try to have children, use hormone treatments and the like" or ... "It's all clear, no significant residual trauma noted and you can try to have children or take hormone treatments". To go from being told with no doubt that I could never have children after my procedure in 2005 to being pregnant and loosing the chance of having a little person that was part of me and part of my best friend and now husband. Right now I just don't know anything other than I want to not hurt for a while. Not hurt physically from the unending cramps and tension headaches and not hurt mentally from trying so hard to pretend that I'm not bothered by whats going on right now.

Okay... my tribute to my husband and mother in law....

Three positives and a negative in a positive light:

1. My husband got the promotion with the company that he wanted
2. I'm mending the bridge between myself and my "sister"
3. I'm honestly happy in my marriage

1- I'm scared, but at least I'm still alive to be scared