Tests and Revelations shared

The day came and went yesterday - appointment day. It went as I expected and not as I expected. I knew he would say that birth control is a no-no. I figured he would say that for Robert and I to get pregnant "naturally" would be a risk. I mean seriously, what doctor in their right mind with my history would say "yeah- sure- go for it"... sign their name to the approval and all. None but quacks spring to mind. He mentioned anticardiolpin... a term I'd not heard in a few years. It was mentioned once, upon a time, that I should be tested for it. Insurance and jobs changed and I forgot the medical term... until the doctor mentioned it in his office.

He had me do the normal checks for residuals... hold your hands out in front of you-palms up and close your eyes. A typical person will be able to hold 'em both up without a problem. Not so the case for me. I couldn't - no matter how hard I tried, keep my hands palm up, outstretch and my eyes closed all at the same time without my right arm drifting (it was at my waist before he called quits and that was only a few seconds in) downward. Push and pull against his hands... again showed a noticable decrease of ability on the right. Walking... slight shuffle on the right... lack of balancing ability when asked to stand on just the right leg... or walk toe-to-heel. All these small things... little things you might be telling yourself (and trust me, I'm trying to convince myself they are little too) add up. They scream "residual impairment" with the largest font available in the most horrid of color choice. And believe it or not - Tuesday was a GOOD day. Makes me wonder what his reaction had been like if it'd been a bad day.

So... he ordered my records from my hospital visit in Texas when I had the stroke .. and ordered a mass of blood tests. I don't recall ever having that much blood drawn at once before. He's run a Lupus anticogulant panel, a check for the anticardiolpin antibody, a current Sed Rate, a PTT, Protime, ANA and the Titer PRN ANA and your basic CBC.

According to the agreement made with Robert... I'm not going to look up all the tests and stress myself out. Is it stressing me to not know what, in my blood, the doctor is looking for - yes.

However, if you are curious - this link is a search engine that gives the run down on the tests. PLEASE do not comment about the test specifics to me... if you do - I can not and will not protect you from the protective-Robert-backlash you will face.

But I have to wonder, if maybe hubby is right and if I know the specifics, I'll worry more and start looking at my symptoms and going "what if" and "oh my God..." worse than I already am.

What I do know is ... last night when the talking about it and the tears finally came, he held me... told me it was okay to cry and didn't judge me for it. Other than Heather, no one else has ever done that.


So... Heather - this is to you.

I wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the wasted time we've lost and for the times I don't tell you how very important you are to me and how you've helped me heal and grow and feel loved.

I haven't told you nearly enough how I admire your strength and courage. I know that somedays it's a challenge to open your eyes, much less to get out of bed and deal with the rugrats.

I hope you can forgive me for not being a better friend and sister.

and by all that is above and below - I pray you know that I love you because I do... more.




". . . His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
and to those who have no might, He increases strength."
~Iasiah 40: 28c & 29~