Do you know?

Do you know what it's like to miss someone
right afer you leave from their presence,
Racking your mind for any excuse
to not say "goodbye"?

Do you know what it's like to feel
all your worries slip away,
Forgotten,
With just a simple "hello"
and the rich way their voice sounds
in your ear?

Do you know what it's like to want to know
the silliest of things,
like how their towels are folded,
or if the radio in the car is turned down,
when looking for some new location,
and the not knowing,
keeps you frustratedly smiling?

Do you know what it's like to finally
feel like you can trust someone,
tell them you love them and not be afraid of the words,
or the reaction, knowing that you want to trust that person,
and realizing you have been reminded,
loving someone, isn't so bad,
especially when they love you back?

To Know...

To know this heart of mine,
the way it pounds,
the manner in which it speaks;
is to know the real me.

To know the quiet
and scared person
I can be,
who is comforted by
just the sound of your voice.

To know that I am
in heaven
whenever I hear you smile
when we talk.

To know that my love
is without limits
or boundaries
is to see just
the first side
of my feelings.

To know the smallest
and largest
of my secrets
and not despise
or hate me
for them
is to be my true friend.

To know this strong
and opinionated woman
can be quiet
and just listen,
even if it's just
to your breathing;
that my whole world
is better.

To know me
takes time
and a desire
and you have shown
the desire
to know me by the time
you spend with me.

If you had
any glimmer of doubt
now you know
I love you.

Weathering Rita

Originally Huricane Rita was set to slam right into where I live. My parents were in the direct line of fire so they and my grandmother evacuated to my place. Not so bad, other than my place wasn't where I wanted to be. I had an ever so much nicer and safer place to run to. Running to that person and that place would have been very nice. Turns out that Rita turned right a bit and we have yet to get any rain but we've gotten some wind. My youngest sister in law and her family ran to the right and are right in the middle of Rita's current path. I have yet to hear news on either of my brothers. One is in Basic Training in Georgia, while the other is living with his family in Florida. I hope both of them are safe.

I got my first letter from my little brother (hence forth to be refered to as "Kid") Thursday. He and I are closer than myself and my older brother are. He's going through paratrouper infantry training as we speak. Being in the military is all he's ever wanted to do with his life and I wish him the best of luck with it. My older brother (Flea - he was always the short one in the crowd), he's always wanted to work on and with computers, he's doing his dream too. I'm half-way doing mine.

My working dream is to teach. I used to think I'd want to teach the deaf in the public school setting but the longer I'm in the field the more I wonder if that really is the life I want. I adore interpreting and while I love teaching, in secondary education you can only do so much. There again, you still have the time and opportunity to help someone in their life. I've always been the one to take care of everyone else and be the solid one. So the times that I let my walls down and show someone my weaknesses means I have a great deal of trust in them.

I'm really just in a rambling mood this morning. I still feel out of sorts and without my focus. I think I'll go make some phone calls.

simple words - their meanings - what they mean to me

Taste: to perceive or recognize as if by the sense of taste - I’m sure that you taste delectable.”

Lick: to draw the tongue over - "It is always best to start by licking...”

Kiss: to touch with the lips, especially as a mark of affection - "I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be kissed by someone who sees the real me.”

Lust: an intense longing - "I lust after your touch, which I have yet to experience.”

Seduction: something that attracts or charms - "Seduction is a time consuming adventure."

Study: to take in detail : especially with the intention of learing - "It is wise to study whom you care for."

Relationship: connecting or binding participants in a romantic or passionate attachment - "I want to have a stronger relationship with you, one that will withstand the tests to come."

Process: a natural phenomenon marked by gradual changes that lead toward a particular result -"This process must be handled delicately and without hurry.”

Show: to point out : direct attention to - "Sometimes an individual has to show and tell the object of their affections how much they really mean to them.”

Trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something : one in which confidence is placed - "In you, I've placed my trust and my heart, both quite willingly and without hesitation."

Love: strong affection for another : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern - "I love you."

Commitment: an act of trust : something pledged - "My commitment is to us."

Friend: a favored companion - "I want to spend the rest of my life with my friend."

Genuine: free from pretense or hypocrisy; sincere - "Every word and thought that I have put down tonight, and the thoughts to come, are genuine.”

What a great two days - stomach flu not withstanding

Well... I've been home sick the last two days from work with the stomach flu. So between that and walking all over the high school after my students and during football, eating better and doing yoga twice a week.

Boy oh boy did it help, I've lost just under 30 lbs in about 6 weeks. Next payday I'm going to start the serious part of my diet and kick out all dairy and sugar products and cut way back on the carbs. I've done this kind of eating before because of my food allergies and found that I felt better and was healthier once all the toxins were out of my system. It's something I got away from the last few months as I was just to lazy to commit to it. I'm tired of being lazy, it's my life, my body and only I can make myself do it.

Let's see what else I've been doing that I haven't done in ages... I'm drawing and writing again. I've turned down a date-date and with good reason. At least I hope it is a good reason. :)

I'm getting tired so I'm off to bed - more to come later.

A letter - unfinished

A letter he probably will not read


Nothing in my life has been easy. From even the time before I graced this earth, I was no stranger to trials and tests of strength. I've been told all my life that there were no promises of tomorrow, just the hope for one more day with those you love and who love you. Things a person, much less a child, should never go through, were common place in my younger years. I did not use the 'bad times' as an excuse to hate or become cold in heart.

How to be strong and to not give up at the first sign of trouble or rough waters; I have my mom to thank for that. The courage to trust my own judgment (eventually) and my God-given right to protect myself and to be free to be me, for that; I have my 'sisi' to thank. The knowing; that someone, not in my heart since childhood, can love me for me; as "blonde" as I get sometimes that; for that I have my 'darlin' to thank.

I don't want the easy, flat and boring sides of life and of love; because those are not real. I want the real - all of it. The hard times, the quiet times, the content and comfortable times along with the times around and in between those. I want the disagreements over stupid things; things so stupid, that looking back, I don't even know what it was in the first place. I want to keep the ability to tell the important people in my life when they are being an ass and when they are being brilliant and when they are loved.

"Darlin", you are one of three persons who cares enough, to be so honest, as to tell me when I'm being an ass, brilliant (yes, it happens sometimes) or loved. For knowing me such a short time, you make me feel safe enough to be me, most of the time. I can tell you my fears, my joys, my sorrows, my heartaches, my hopes and most importantly; my tears. I always hid my tears, terrified to let them be real or seen by someone else, worried they would view me as weak and unable. The important people in my life, while they don't like the tears and worry when they fall; they allow the tears to fall and do not judge me too harshly for them or the reasons behind them.


(( To be continued when I'm not nodding off while typing))

Poema

Who is this sister of Lee and Jonathan?
Who is this daughter of Doug and Cathy?
Who is this one that loves all things Deaf, her family and those "important people in 'my' life"?
Who is this woman who feels kept on the outside of so many things and people?
Who needs more hours in the day to spend time with the "important people"?
Who gives so much of herself to everyone else, that there is little to none left over for herself?
Who is she that fears life repeating itself yet refuses to let that fear rule her choices?
Who is the woman who would like to see the "important people" more often, if not daily and Alaska too?
Who knows about the one who shares her life and time with persons of all kinds, even the ones no one else likes?
Who is she that is simple and so complex at the same time?
Who is a resident of her own prisions with manacles of dreams, hopes and fears?
Who is she that she looks through faded and cracked rose colored glasses, mostly seeing what is real, rather than what the masses see?

Ang's little blog spot

Wow... today has been quite the day.

I got my notice in the mail that I passed my BEI certification test that I took this summer. I knew that I probably had passed but it'd been a trying morning so I wasn't 100% sure. I've been smiling all day. Mom knew before I did which I don't mind at all. I called my ... "darlin' " second.. and my sisi third. I figured she'd be at work and that I'd catch her machine... so was pleased to actually get the few minutes to say hi and share the good news.

Okay... sleepy now.


The End for now.

~Ang

My first entry

Well, lookie there... my own little blog spot. All mine! [smiles worse than a cheshire cat] Really, I'm quite sane, just over worked and over tired.

At this point, I'm too tired to add anything else.

Blessed be.

~Ang